We already know that relationships require trust.  You trust the person who’s cleaning your house, and the babysitter who’s keeping your kids safe.  You trust that your employees will take good care of your customers, and you trust the instructor who’s teaching your teenager how to drive. And of course the obvious: you trust your partner with everything from your joint bank account to protecting your heart.

As a divorce mediator, I am not exaggerating when I say that 90% of all conflicts I’m asked to help resolve deal with a breakdown, one way or another, of trust. It happens — sometimes gradually and sometimes instantaneously. And when trust leaves the relationship, it often takes hostages, such as respect, love, friendship, and security.

So, then what happens?  Can the relationship be rebuilt if trust is regained?

Therapists think so, and I tend to agree. It does, however, take an ongoing commitment by both parties. And a whole lot of patience.

If taking the first step toward this goal seems difficult, it likely starts with getting past the denials, the rationalizations, and the excuses. So if you’re the one venting, do it and then let it go.  And if you’re the one listening, try to do so without interrupting, and with the understanding that this needs to happen before the rebuilding can commence. After all, if a fire, or a flood, or an earthquake demolished your house, you have to clear out the debris before starting to rebuild.

Once the venting and listening has taken place, the relationship might benefit by a few new ground rules. I like to call these new rules “The Three As.”

The first A is for Attention. It’s time for both of you to pay attention to your relationship. Date nights, walks, morning coffee behind closed doors, whatever works for you, just so you make it a consistent priority. Also, checking in with your partner beyond the obligatory “how was your day?” is important.  Asking follow-up questions shows that you’re paying attention to what’s going on in their life.

The second A is for Affection. This one may be easier for some than for others. I acknowledge that. I also acknowledge that affection doesn’t necessarily mean sex. It can also mean a touch, a smile, a wink, a smooch, or a hug. Do what is most comfortable and natural. Just do something.

The Third A is for Appreciation. This can be a game-changer, especially if you’ve ever felt taken for granted. Noticing what your partner has been or is doing on your behalf, and then saying something about it, is of critical importance when rebuilding trust. Sometimes, I think we show more appreciation for our food-server at a restaurant than we do at home. Take a look at what you’re not saying and start saying it to your partner.

And please, please give the process adequate time to evolve while you commit to nurturing it.  After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day.