Disclaimer: I am neither a therapist nor any other sort of mental health practitioner. That being said, I’ve heard the term “narcissist” frequently from various divorcing clients — always about the other person. These accusations led me to do some research about identifying narcissistic behavior in someone else and, of course, how to cope with that behavior. And for purposes of this article, please note that the term “narcissist” describes a pattern of thinking and not a person.
If you think you may be living with a narcissist, here are a few tell-tale signs:
Your person is quick to anger and issue blame.
Your person doesn’t listen to another point of view.
Your person believes that rules only apply to other people.
Your person doesn’t apologize.
Your person is resistant to change.
Psychologists agree that the underlying issue for narcissistic behavior is a lack of self-esteem. Contrary to the image narcissists portray to the outside world, their self-perception is more important than anything else. As a result, narcissists generally lack empathy so they’re perfectly okay with sacrificing your feelings in order to bolster their own image . My clients often point out their partner’s lack of empathy and raise the concern about how that behavior affects the children. It can frequently contribute to the end of a relationship and more significantly, the kids may grow up thinking that narcissistic behavior is normal. What’s worse is that they may even gravitate toward it in their future, adult relationships. The potential for this truly terrifies some of my clients, and is often the driving force for choosing divorce.
Do you think you are involved with a narcissist? Do any of these signs resonate with you? If you’re unwilling or unable to run away, here are some tools to help you manage the situation.
- Create a life for yourself independent of your spouse. Take a class, start a book club, listen to audio books, or tutor someone else’s kids.
- Educate yourself about this behavior. There are literally thousands of books on the subject, so pick one or two and start reading.
- Forgive yourself for enabling your spouse to continue this behavior. We are all works in progress, and I am a firm believer in treating yourself gently.
- Deny your spouse access to your inner thoughts. Your dreams cannot be dashed if you don’t communicate them.
- Have some empathy for your spouse. It’s not easy to live with constant self-doubt, insecurity, and frustration when others disappoint you.
- Find support. Whether you search “spouse of a narcissist” on Facebook, or make an appointment with a therapist or spiritual advisor, remember you don’t have to go it alone.
- Trust yourself. This is the most important tip of all because well-intentioned people will tell you to leave. If you’re not ready, or leaving is simply not an option, nobody knows better than you what’s best for you.
And if you need to vent, please reach out to me. I’ve been told I’m a good listener.
A mix of good and terrible advice. Good, A spouse us not the source of your full identity and never should be. Neither should you be theirs. Bad,unless the goal is no longer to he a spouse, you may need to face up to the caring and respectful risks of relationship that being a spouse means.
The only good news is that humans not only can change the only reason they do not is because they think they are better off by not changing. Sure, there is genetics of personality, they will always be them and you always you. But, style and substance are different thinks and substance can change.
Thank you for sharing your insight. Sometimes divorce is not an option, so coping skills become essential. And I agree, people can change. (That’s the optimist in me coming out.)
Good comments and suggestions, Nancy. As you know, I’m not a psychologist or counselor, but I think it’s also important in certain cases to consider whether the person simply doesn’t care about another person’s feelings or whether the person is pathologically incapable of caring or even considering another person’s feelings. It doesn’t change the fact that you can’t change the other person and you have to learn to either cope or run, but it can make it easier to forgive the other person when you are no longer the victim of the narcissist’s behavior, if that’s what you choose to do.
You bring up a very valid point, and one I hadn’t considered — what if the person simply doesn’t care? Forgiveness is key as well, whether forgiving the other person or forgiving yourself. Thank you for your insightful comment.
Well, having lived with one for far too many years , getting away offers a new renewal to life. These people are not fixable. Good articles my friend.
Hindsight is a remarkable thing, isn’t it? We all (hopefully) learn from our mistakes. Thank you for your comment.
The pulling away can be tricky and needs to be done with great care. A total narcissist is only a fine line from being a sociopath and that can be dangerous. The best advice is for the person wanting to get away is to seek out a professional for directions of the steps that need to be taken. An example is trump who could care less about any persons feelings or well being as long as he is in the spotlight.
I think getting professional advice before leaving a narcissist is a great idea, Jay. I knew someone years ago who stayed in an abusive relationship for way longer than was safe because he kept threatening suicide if she left him. Eventually, through therapy, she was able to get out.