I’ve been wondering about the different ways men and women approach divorce, deal with it, and how people survive it. And although every situation is unique, I’ve come to the conclusion that most men think they have it harder than women as they’re navigating a divorce.
Why?
One reason might be that men don’t seem to have built-in emotional support. They generally do not seek out advice as often as women do. They don’t typically confide in their friends, their family, or their co-workers. Instead, they go it alone and suffer silently.
Another reason might be that society perceives men as the stronger sex and, therefore, they think they can handle the emotional fallout of a divorce easier than women.
And then there’s the stereotypical damages that are caused by some men but for which the entire gender seems responsible. Damages such as cheating, lying, disappearing, being the “Disneyland dad,” or worse, being the “deadbeat dad.” (I wonder why there’s no such thing as a “Disneyland mom,” or a “deadbeat mom?” Is it because the alliteration is missing?)
When our parents and grandparents were young, men were generally the breadwinners, and women were generally the homemakers. Now that we’ve all been enlightened about and are living with “gender equality,” as well as for many other reasons, those stereotypes are no longer valid nor viable. Barring anything really extraordinary, divorce courts have become inclined to grant joint legal custody of the minor children. Physical custody is decided upon when reviewing all factors, not just gender, so joint physical custody of the minor children has also become quite commonplace. Additionally, child support (which used to be a father’s obligation) is instead determined based upon the ability to pay.
Have changes come about because more fathers are asserting their rights in divorce? Are men becoming more able to identify and reveal their emotions? Are we, as a society, becoming more equality-minded? As a divorce mediator, I make sure that I’m offering time to the men in order for them to feel safe in their ability to vent, cry, yell or scream, and ultimately negotiate their own divorce settlements. Of course, divorcing women have an equal voice in mediation. The women I work with also need a safe place to vent, cry, yell or scream before they are able to negotiate their own settlements.
There’s no question that divorce is hard on both men and women. Leaving a home, a family, and a relationship are giant stressors, and in my professional view, it takes a tremendous amount of courage for both genders to start their next chapter. It also takes time, and all divorce participants will inevitably move at their own pace, not at the pace of their soon-to-be-ex.
So, who actually has it harder in a divorce, men or women? And why? Does it depend on who’s actually driving the “divorce car?” Or does the pendulum swing in either direction, depending upon cycles and trends?
Please weigh in with your observations.
