If this article seems familiar to you, you’re right. I’m tweaking and republishing something I wrote a couple of years ago, mainly because this topic comes up frequently in my personal life as well as in my mediation practice.
Let’s say your kitchen sink is backed up. You call the plumber. Or your front porch light flickers on and off. You need an electrician. Yet when you’re overwhelmed by the day-to-day business of running your own life, you cannot seem to make yourself ask a friend for help. Why?
Personally, I find it difficult. I’m stubbornly independent, and I don’t want to be perceived as needy or weak, so I tend to either take care of it myself, pay someone to help me, or simply forget about it. Does this sound like you?
There are many reasons why not asking for help can make matters worse. In a work situation, procrastinating rather than asking for help might cause a costly delay. Drowning in personal debt and not looking for some credit counseling creates anxiety. And then there’s the feeling of owing someone. If I ask for help, what will the payback look like?
Another reason we might shy away from asking for help is that we all know one or two people who are over-askers. These people simply cannot do anything for themselves, so we tacitly label them as “needy” or “demanding.” We certainly don’t want to be one of THOSE people, right?
This shouldn’t be so difficult. Helping others makes us feel good. Volunteering our time, donating our gently used clothing, collecting canned goods for a food drive, or simply holding the door open for the person entering as you’re exiting, are all no-brainers. Most of us do these things all the time and think nothing of it.
So, why the imbalance? Why are we much more eager to give help than to ask for it? Why is it more important to value other people’s (possibly erroneous) image of us over our own (likely temporary) need?
Perhaps we need to brush up on our asking techniques.
1. Choose the best person, the one who’s the most capable of answering your call. Obviously, you’re not going to ask your 85 year old aunt for tech support, right?
2. Ask in person, and in private. This is not just potentially face-saving, it’s respectful.
3. Offer something appropriately reciprocal. “If you’re willing to let me borrow your truck next Saturday, I’ll take your kids to the movies on Sunday.”
4. Listen carefully to the response. If the agreement is reluctant, redefine the terms, or give the person some time to think about it.
5. Offer your sincere thanks.
6. And finally (this is actually the most challenging for me) keep in mind that some people really want to help you.
Yes or no? Do you feel good when you help somebody else? So why would you deny somebody close to you the opportunity to help you? Why not make their day and yours at the same time?
