How come nobody talks about this? It’s widely known that divorce impacts children, but what if the children are grown and out of the house?
I recently conducted a divorce mediation with “Elizabeth” and “Richard.” They were ending their 28 year marriage, and told me that their two adult sons were experiencing a range of emotions about the divorce. One son was married and had children of his own and now, according to my clients, he’s questioning the viability of his own relationship. If his parents couldn’t make their marriage work, what were his chances for success? And their other adult son was no longer speaking to his dad, because he’d chosen to take his mother’s side. Sometimes misplaced (or well-founded) loyalty happens.
In addition to questioning their own relationships, and in addition to feeling compelled to take a side, adult children whose parents are now getting divorced might feel anger towards one or both of their parents. Let’s take a look at another client file. “Chris” and “Christie” came to me because Chris had fallen love with a woman from their church. As a result of Chris’s moral principles, he did not technically cheat on Christie. But that didn’t matter to their adult children. They called their dad a hypocrite, their mom a martyr, and believed their parents’ entire marriage was a farce.
In yet another example, “Dan” and “Jill” were married for 32 years when they decided to end their marriage. There wasn’t much drama, it was a case of two good people who had simply grown apart. Their two daughters and four grandchildren were unable to appreciate the evolution nor were they able to accept the change. My clients told me their kids feared that the family traditions they’d come to rely upon and were passing down to their own children were going to abruptly come to an end. The daughters wondered whether their own children would be able to spend equal time with Dan and with Jill? What about birthdays, Thanksgiving, and soccer games?
Many of these family issues would be better served in counseling. Trained therapists can help adult children deal with the range of emotions experienced when their parents divorce after many years of marriage.
On the other hand, grandparenting issues can be dealt with in mediation. I have often inserted clauses into settlement agreements which specify that grandparents can spend specific vacation days and holidays with their grandchildren, irrespective of whether it’s the grandparents or the parents who are divorcing. To me, there’s something sacred about the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, and I want to make sure my clients talk about it.
It’s clear that divorcing with adult children can bring unique issues to light. And it’s also clear that no matter your age, if your parents are getting a divorce, it will impact and affect your own life, as well as that of your children. I urge you to communicate with your family, and consider seeking some outside help.
