As a divorce and family mediator, I frequently observe that many of my clients seem to focus on blame. It’s natural. And I also see a lot of people who simply want to get on with their lives. It’s understandable. The challenge for me is to help both parties when one is looking back while the other is looking forward.
Although Nevada is considered a no-fault divorce state, I think it’s important for people ending relationships to understand what got them to my office in the first place. And so, I listen to my clients when they vent, blame, and accuse until they begin to repeat themselves. That’s when I ask them to put away the rear-view mirror.
Why do you suppose it’s important for some people to live in the past?
I posed this question to a psychologist colleague of mine, and he rattled off a pretty thorough list. I listened and then realized that there are a few basic human emotions that tend to link us to our past. One is taking comfort in our old habits and circumstances, another is resistance to change, and a third is fear of what lies ahead.
These three emotions can be directly connected to the people who sit in my office.
For example, “Erin” and “Jeremy” were married for 29 years. Throughout their marriage, Erin was a stay-at-home wife and mother, and she was terrified to start the next chapter of her life as a single woman. She kept repeating to me that she wished they could get back together, that she didn’t understand why the marriage couldn’t be repaired, and that she was afraid to live alone. She wasn’t ready to put away the rear-view mirror.
Another couple, “Marc” and “Paul” were similarly looking backwards, each blaming the other for the financial situation that brought them to end their marriage. Paul was fondly reminiscing about when Marc bought him a brand new Mustang convertible (which was later repossessed), and Marc was angry that Paul couldn’t hold down a job. They also weren’t ready to put away the rear-view mirror.
My psychologist friend suggested I remind my clients that they cannot change what was, nor is it helpful to focus on “what if.” Instead, he shared that he helps his patients understand how they got there by urging them to take some accountability for their choices. I often tell my clients that neither party is 100% responsible for the break-up of the relationship. Maybe it’s not exactly 50:50, but if they’re being honest with themselves, they have to own at least a portion. And then they can work on forgiveness, of themselves first, and ultimately of their soon-to-be-ex partner.
Once we all understand how and why it’s important to put away the rear-view mirror, we can proactively focus on moving forward.
“The future rewards those who press on. I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I don’t have tome to complain. I’m going to press on.” ~ Barack Obama
