A friend of the family passed away a few months ago. The funeral was across the country, so I didn’t attend.  However, I learned afterwards about a dramatic scene that literally took place at the gravesite. Evidently, there had been bad blood between “Jack,” who died only two months after a cancer diagnosis, and his brother “Tom.” According to reliable sources, Jack loaned five thousand dollars to Tom for his honeymoon 12 years ago, and Tom never paid the money back.  The brothers hadn’t spoken for more than a decade, and the drama at the funeral occurred when Tom threw himself on the casket begging for his brother’s forgiveness.  

The moral of the story is the title of this post.

Repairing a relationship can be a slippery slope.  It might involve admitting to yourself that you were wrong.  It might involve sharing what you would have done differently, or what you wish the other person would have done instead.  I often tell my divorce mediation clients to consider that their break-up isn’t 100% the other person’s fault.  Same goes for seismic activity in any relationship regardless of the number on the Richter scale.  So first, take some accountability for your own role in the conflict.  And once you do, figure out how you can attempt to fix it without groveling. 

It might be as simple as “let’s agree to disagree” in order to preserve the relationship. 

It might be as complicated as accepting that forgiving and forgetting are two entirely different concepts.

It might involve letting go of blame and rationalization.

If the relationship matters to you, either because you can’t move to Siberia in order to avoid the other person, or because what ties you together can never go away, or because being defensive takes too much of your energy, it may be time to consider doing some repairs.  Reach out to the other person and request a 20 minute meeting.  If you encounter resistance, accept it for now, but try again in a week or two.  Be persistent, but don’t be a pest. 

Once you’ve scheduled the meeting, please consider these three steps:

Presentation.  Present your story in as neutral a fashion as possible.  Share your purpose in having this conversation, and share your goal.

Listen.  Allow equal time to hear and, more importantly, to understand the other person’s viewpoint.  Ask questions to clarify, and don’t forget to acknowledge emotions.  If accusations and blame start to interfere, think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

Solution.  If you’ve gotten to this point, congratulations!  You are now ready to brainstorm options and invite proposals moving forward.

I understand and acknowledge the possibility that these suggestions might not result in immediate success.  Please be patient.  I also understand and acknowledge that agreeing to disagree, forgiving, and letting go might be your best strategy.

Does this whole process seem daunting?  Try taking a baby step.  And if you need some encouragement, call me.