Can you cry on demand? I can. All I need to do is conjure up a memory about my late husband or my deceased parents, and the tears start to roll. Those memories are emotional triggers for me.
During a recent divorce mediation I used the word “appreciation” and, as it turned out, that word triggered an emotional response from my client. The thing is, most of the time we don’t actually know the emotional triggers of our friends and family, which begs the question: do we know our own emotional triggers?
According to Psychology Today, an emotional trigger can be any topic that makes us feel uncomfortable. I can think of at least a dozen topics that make me feel uncomfortable, depending upon who’s doing the talking. The actual emotion triggered in my thought process is just as varied. To be clear, emotions aren’t always negative and they’re not always sad. My brother can say the word “the” in a certain tone, and it instantly triggers my laughter.
For the past six plus years, I’ve been volunteering as an adult facilitator at Adam’s Place, a grief center for children who have lost a parent or a sibling. Without exaggeration, something I say triggers tears every single time I meet with the adults. I cannot predict it nor prevent it. They immediately apologize for crying, and then they understand that expressing their emotions in front of others who can empathize is healthy and cleansing. Someone simply hands over the box of tissues and the conversation continues.
In order to understand your own emotional triggers, try asking yourself these three questions:
Who tends to pull the trigger on you? Maybe it’s your mother-in-law’s sarcasm, or maybe it’s your gossiping neighbor.
What words and tone trigger your emotional response? Maybe it’s when your sister asks how much you paid for your new sweater and you immediately feel her judgment.
Why are you reacting? Maybe it has to do with an underlying issue that’s hard for you to admit.
And while you’re doing all this asking and answering, please keep in mind that the intentions of those who trigger you are most likely innocent. Perhaps your mother-in-law thinks her sarcasm is funny. Maybe your neighbor is lonely and gossips in order to engage you in a conversation. Possibly your sister’s financial issues put money at her own forefront.
If certain people and certain comments trigger you, it might be a good time to acknowledge and validate the reality of your own emotions by either talking out loud to yourself, seeking the help of a therapist, or by venting to someone within your support system.
Please don’t rule out the direct communication approach. Politely suggest to your mother-in-law that your own insecurities are triggered by her comments. In the future, hopefully she’ll think twice before she shoots a sarcastic arrow at you. If not, remind her again.
Words matter. Use them to educate others about your emotional triggers.
