Once in awhile, I like to shift my focus from relationships that are ending to relationships that are enduring. Nice twist, right?
Whether you’ve been together for two years or 42 years, I’m sure you’ll agree that your relationship has gone through various stages. If you’re still in the honeymoon stage, enjoy it. Not to be cynical, but honeymoons don’t last forever. So what happens next?
I posed that exact question to a psychologist friend “Brad” a couple of weeks ago, and he answered in one word: intimacy. When I asked him to tell me more, the topic consumed our entire lunch hour (pun intended).
Brad started out by explaining to me that there are four stages of intimacy in a relationship: emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual.
Emotional intimacy requires trust, vulnerability, empathy, understanding, and honest communication.
Intellectual intimacy also consists of meaningful conversations while supporting each other’s growth.
Physical intimacy obviously includes sex, but equally important is the expression of affection through words and touch.
Spiritual intimacy requires a sharing of values and beliefs in the best case scenario, and otherwise supporting each other’s spiritual journey.
Sounds good to me in theory, but I wanted to know if it’s possible for people to actually be good at committing to these four stages, and achieving them. Brad was optimistic in his encouragement. He said that intimacy in a relationship should evolve over time, and none of the four stages is more important than the others. The key, Brad told me, is for the partners to commit to nurturing their connection.
Here’s how:
- Prioritize quality time together. Have a regular date night, unplug your technology for a few hours, and talk about things you both enjoy. Focus on each other.
- Encourage open and honest communication with regular check-ins and a commitment to honestly sharing your needs and emotions.
- Show affection toward each other, whether by words of affirmation or by physical touch. Or both.
- Develop emotional intimacy by sharing each other’s dreams, goals, and challenges, and listening without judgment.
- Explore new experiences together, even if those experiences are outside of your own level of comfort.
- Surprise your partner with something unexpected.
- Deal with challenges when they arise (and they will), by demonstrating healthy conflict resolution skills, such as active listening to understand rather than to respond.
- Seek out professional help.
By contrast, my divorce mediation clients have chosen to make the opposite commitment, which is to respectfully disconnect. It’s not my job to try and save relationships, and I convey that exact message to my prospective clients.
Fortunately, I have many friends and family members who have sustained relationships for decades. If you’re one of those people who is reading this, would you be willing to share a sentence or two describing how you keep your relationship sparks alive?
It may not be good for my divorce mediation business, but I think your tips might be helpful for those of us who are not contemplating ending a relationship.
