Helen Mirren once said: “Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of a different perspective? Because if not, there’s absolutely no point.”
I wish I would have learned this lesson a long time ago.
Sometimes, no matter how clearly you express yourself, and no matter how logical your words may sound in your own head, the other person isn’t actually listening to understand you. They are most likely listening to react, stuck in their own perspective and unwilling to consider your viewpoint.
In our current political environment, this is more relevant than ever. Whenever I am personally tempted to engage in a bit of a debate, I try to remember that not every argument is worth my energy. On the other hand, a conversation with someone who is open-minded, who values growth and understanding, can be enlightening, even if we don’t agree.
To this point, something interesting happened several years ago in my office. I was in the midst of a divorce mediation and, having nothing to do with what my clients were actually discussing, the topic of Colin Kaepernick taking a knee on the sidelines at the beginning of a football game came up. To my surprise, my clients literally began yelling at each other about this incident. “He’s anti-military,” one spouse said. And the other spouse replied, “You’re a racist.” Since nobody asked for my opinion, I didn’t volunteer one. And it probably wouldn’t have mattered to one or the other because neither wanted to hear another viewpoint. They were clearly stuck in a pointless debate.
As for me, and to be perfectly honest, I’m still looking for someone who is genuinely interested in listening to another perspective.
Instead, I occasionally find myself trying to reason with someone who refuses to see beyond their own beliefs. It’s like talking to a wall. No matter how much logic or truth I present (which, in reality may only be logical or truthful to me), they will twist, deflect, or dismiss my words. And it’s not about whether I’m right or wrong, it’s because they’re unwilling to see another side.
Maturity isn’t about who wins an argument. It’s about knowing when an argument isn’t worth having. It’s realizing that your peace is more valuable than proving a point to someone who has already decided they won’t change their mind. Not every battle needs to be fought. Not every person deserves your explanation.
Sometimes, the smartest thing you can do is to simply walk away, not because you have nothing to say, but because you recognize that some people aren’t ready to listen. And that’s not your burden to carry.
Is there a trick to this? A mantra that I can memorize?
To those of you who have already learned this lesson, will you share how you maintain your own peace? I could really use a suggestion or two, which I’ll happily pass along to my bickering divorce clients.
