Congratulations! Your youngest kid is off to college and now, for the first time in decades, it’s just the two of you. Sometimes that empty nest is an opportunity to strengthen your connection, and sometimes it’s a realization that there’s nothing tying the two of you together any more.
I have conducted many divorce mediations over the years with couples who have simply grown apart. This can be a drawn-out and painful realization or a lightbulb moment., It can also be viewed without blame, guilt, or remorse.
But what if the empty nest doesn’t cause a divorce? Some relationships actually thrive as the nest empties, so I’ve asked myself what’s their secret? In order to satisfy my own curiosity, I set about taking an informal survey among my friends and colleagues who are happily navigating their own empty nests.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
Some couples made a conscious effort to remember what they were like before they had kids. They looked at old photo albums and listened to songs from their past.
Other people told me that they had many conversations over coffee to discuss their future together. Traveling, down-sizing, retirement, and even going back to school were considered.
One common thread was that the empty-nesters committed to a weekly date night, and they enjoyed surprising their partner with the details.
And once the nest was empty, these couples were able to create new routines. They could go to sleep later and wake up later. They could stay in their pajamas all day on a Tuesday without worrying about carpools or soccer practice.
One couple I interviewed shared that they began pursuing individual interests, which created the surprising benefit of having more to share with each other. They also made a commitment to focus on their physical well-being which likewise morphed into additional shared experiences.
However, not all empty-nesters were deliriously happy. At least, not at first. I learned that some couples experienced a range of emotions, including sadness, relief, or even a sense of loss. Being able to share these feelings with empathy is crucial. In order to communicate with each other, I think it’s essential to practice active listening. Partners need to really hear and understand what the other is saying, both out loud and non-verbally.
I also discovered that the quieter pace of the empty nest can bring to the surface unresolved issues or old wounds that were set aside during busy parenting years. This is a time to address them with kindness and a willingness to work through them, possibly with professional help.
My “research” revealed that there were some common keys to success:
- Consistently showing gratitude and appreciation by noticing and acknowledging the other’s positive qualities and efforts.
- Accepting that the relationship has evolved and embracing the evolution.
- Practicing patience.
- Reaffirming the commitment by making a conscious effort to nourish connection.
- Seeking professional support.
I believe that empty nests can be transformed from a challenging period into a vibrant and fulfilling chapter. Your thoughts?
