Recently, two of my favorite people spent a weekend with me and inevitably our conversation landed on divorce mediation. They asked about my relationship observations, both from a success perspective as well as why some eventually fail. We all agreed that a healthy relationship is built on a foundation of diverse currencies representing various values that partners deposit and withdraw.
And then we narrowed it down to six common currencies in most relationships.
(1) Time currency is probably the most fundamental because it’s the investment of hours and minutes into the relationship. Deposits can be made by sharing hobbies or experiences, committing to a weekly date night, and listening attentively to the sometimes mundane events of the other partner’s day. Withdrawals are made by prioritizing work or other commitments ahead of shared time, or being physically present but emotionally absent.
(2) Affection/Intimacy currency is the physical and emotional expression of love, and it’s a powerful way to build closeness and security. Deposits can be made by verbal affirmations and compliments, by the intimate sharing of vulnerabilities or fears, and by physical touch. Withdrawals occur when one partner withholds affection as a form of punishment or when a partner prioritizes personal needs over the other partner’s desire for intimacy.
(3) Support currency has to do with the value you place on being your partner’s cheerleader or co-conspirator. Deposits can be made by listening to dreams and goals without judgment, by taking on responsibilities in order to relieve stress, and by being a source of comfort during a crisis. Withdrawals occur when the partner’s feelings or concerns are dismissed, when stress is added rather than alleviated, and perhaps the failure to defend the partner in front of others.
(4) Effort currency is the value of the things you do for your partner and for the life you’ve built together. Deposits can include cooking a meal or getting their car washed, running an errand they’ve been putting off, or doing a chore without being asked. Withdrawals can occur when all of the household responsibilities are left to one person, not following through on promises, and a general appearance of laziness.
(5) Respect currency is holding your partner in high esteem and treating them with dignity. Deposits show up when you value their opinions, celebrate their achievements, and provide a safe space for them to be themselves. Withdrawals, on the other hand, include making unilateral decisions, belittling them, using sarcasm, and being condescending.
(6) Communication currency is the currency that facilitates all others. Having clear, open, and honest communication is the foundation for success. Deposits include active listening with the goal to understand, openly sharing thoughts and feelings, and having difficult conversations with respect. Withdrawals often include making assumptions instead of asking questions, keeping secrets, and constant criticism and/or negativity.
By understanding and consciously investing in these different currencies, partners can create a relationship that is not only rich in love but is also strong and secure.
If your relationship currency needs a tune-up, I hope you find this information helpful.
