It seems to me that taking care of your committed relationship is like nurturing a garden. In the beginning, you decide what you’re going to grow. You till the soil and you plant the seeds. You pay close attention as the seedlings begin to sprout, giving them the proper amount of sun, water, and food. Sometimes you have to thin out the plants, sometimes you have to pull the weeds, and sometimes you have to build a bigger fence around your garden to keep out the rabbits. And once in awhile, in spite of your best efforts, the plants simply die.
I’ve conducted divorce mediations with couples whose metaphoric gardens no longer thrive, sometimes even after decades together. And I personally know many couples whose relationships continue to grow, also after decades together. What makes some relationships evolve while others do not?
While marriage counselors have many “tried and true” tips for successful relationships, I’ve decided to opt in with my own top four suggestions for growing your relationship garden:
Tip #1: Be each other’s cheerleader. Say nice things about your partner, especially in front of other people. A sincere compliment delivered in public can be significant in the nurturing of your relationship.
Tip #2: Express your expectations as well as your boundaries about the time you spend together. If you’d like a date night on Fridays, say so and then do so. This also applies to time spent with others. If you think your wife is at her sister’s house more than at home, have a conversation about it and set a boundary. Same goes for your husband who you think spends too many hours golfing with his friends. The important part here is presenting the perceived problem to each other and then agreeing on a solution (even if only for a trial period).
Tip #3: Remember the little things. Put a sweet and loving sticky note on the dashboard of your partner’s car. Send a text during the work day just to say hello. Watch a chick flick or a sci-fi show or a game together, even if that’s not your first choice. Do something just because.
Tip #4: Pay attention to each other. Remember in the beginning of your relationship how you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? Try touching, holding hands, giving a little smooch or a giant hug. Humans crave touch, and it doesn’t take much effort to make this a priority. Another equally important way to pay attention to each other is to ASK and to LISTEN. Seems so simple, doesn’t it? Yet our day-to-day hectic life often interferes and we forget to ask questions about our partner’s world, and equally as important, listen to the answer.
Any one of my four tips will certainly fertilize your relationship. However, if you’re only willing to commit to one for now, please skip directly to Tip #4. If you ignore your garden, it might thrive anyway, but wouldn’t it be much better if you tended to it?
