I have a confession to make. I do not like Hallmark movies. It’s not that I’m a snob with high standards. In fact, anyone who has known me for awhile will undoubtedly hear me sing the praises of all Will Ferrell movies. And it’s not that I have anything against romance. On the contrary, I absolutely love love.
My problem is the sappy, formulaic nature of these movies, especially during the holidays. The cast is consistently young, fit, and attractive. The timetable is predictable. They are generally set in a small town, resplendent with Christmas scenery. Within the first 15 minutes of each movie, you can predict which two people will fall in love. Typically, one of the potential lovers has a successful career in the city, and the other is an unmarried and uncomplicated beloved local teacher or shopkeeper. They always “meet cute,” i.e., a flat tire on a country road, or a curious puppy who escapes and then is found in an improbable hiding place. Thirty minutes into each movie, the man and woman fall in love. We meet their families and learn about their city versus country Christmas traditions. In the last half hour, a potential disaster occurs. It’s either a lost child, a fire, a flood in the basement, or a snake in the bathtub; pretty much any type of catastrophe except, maybe, the plague. And then, moments before the final credits roll, the disaster gets fixed, the leading man proposes, and the woman says “yes.”
Don’t you just love a happy ending?
I completely understand why these movies are so popular. In our reality, we are impatient, short-tempered, judgmental, politically divisive, and often culturally insensitive. I’ve discovered that Hallmark movies are an escape into a simpler world. A world that emphasizes decency and kindness. A world that is predictable and joyful. A world where the female lead travels with only one suitcase yet wears three or four different winter coats in one weekend. And even a world where ethnic diversity occurs.
I understand that there is no room for current events in a Hallmark movie. There won’t be a subplot having to do with sexual harassment or child abuse. Immigration isn’t an issue in a Hallmark movie. The town’s residents aren’t worried about losing their jobs to robots. And not a single character has a drinking problem or a prescription drug addiction.
Hallmark movies are never set in a galaxy far, far away, nor on a Yorkshire estate in the early 1900s, nor in Middle Earth. Yet they’re a form of escape from reality, in the same way as Star Wars, Downton Abbey, and Lord of the Rings are for millions of fans. And although I admit to wanting to escape the real world on a daily basis, I can now say with conviction that these movies will never be my own guilty pleasure. At least not as long as I can watch reruns of “Bob’s Burgers” and “The Big Bang Theory.”
