Many of my divorce mediation clients come back for a tune-up when their children become teenagers. Co-parenting can be more challenging with teens because their issues are different and often complicated. If the parents aren’t on the same page, surviving their kids’ adolescence can be daunting. When my clients approach me on the subject, I start by recommending three steps:
STEP 1: That each parent make a list of concerns about the teens. Common topics can include technology, tattoos, sex, alcohol and drugs, driving, and college.
STEP 2: That the parents meet with each other at a neutral location such as a coffee shop or a nearby park, to exchange lists. They probably have several of the same items on their lists, and they also might be surprised at what’s worrying the other parent.
STEP 3: That they start by tackling the common issues, one at a time, and talk about a course of action.
It is important to have these conversations away from the kids, and to be on the same page with each other as to the rules. It’s natural for a teenager to try to manipulate one parent, especially after a divorce, so it might be a really good idea for each parent to commit to the other that they will stay consistent regardless of how conniving the teen may be.
If you’re experiencing co-parenting challenges, I’d like for you to consider the following seven questions to talk about with your ex in an effort to reach an agreement in advance, and before the issues become complicated:
1. Who’s going to talk to your teen about sex? This can include agreements about dating rules, as well as birth control, abstinence, promiscuity, and sexually transmitted diseases.
2. Who’s going to talk to your teen about personal appearance? This can include anything from appropriate dress, to hygiene, to tattoos and piercings.
3. Who’s going to talk to your teen about part-time jobs? This can include interview tips, becoming a valued employee, managing money and credit cards, and paying bills
4. Who’s going to talk to your teen about driving? This can include both financial and personal responsibilities that accompany the driver’s license.
5. Who’s going to talk to your teen about tobacco, vaping, drugs, and alcohol? This can include peer pressure as well as considering the consequences.
6. Who’s going to talk to your teen about school? This can include all that may be going on with your teen’s education – both academic and social.
7. Who’s going to talk to your teen about technology? This can include rules about cell phones, computers, internet access, social media, etc.
Once you’ve made these decisions with your ex, PUT IT IN WRITING! A fully executed written agreement, whether prepared by you, your attorney, or a qualified Mediator, can become a binding legal contract, as well as a referral source when and if the issues arise.
Consistent co-parenting is not only effective, it’s the best way to set an example for your teenagers that divorced people don’t have to be enemies.
