Just last week, I received a call from a client telling me that he and his spouse had reconciled. It’s news I’m always happy to hear, especially when they have children. Naturally, I don’t hear this too often, but when I do, I refund any unused retainer fees and wish them all the best.
What frequently happens next is that a few months later, they call me back to tell me it didn’t work out. They’ve both reverted to all of their old patterns, bickering about the same things. He calls her a nag, and she thinks he’s irresponsible. They each gripe about the snoring and how it disrupts their sleep. Did anything really change? Was it a mistake to give the relationship another shot? How do couples decide whether to reconcile?
I wish I could create a quiz like the ones online, to determine whether reconciliation is right for you. I’d say that if you answered “B” to all seven questions, you should get back together with your spouse immediately and if you answered “A,” you should run for the hills.
So, instead of a Facebook quiz, I’m going to rely upon my experience as a divorce mediator, and I’ve compiled a brief list of things to consider:
SERIOUSLY THINK ABOUT RECONCILING IF:
You are honestly able to forgive what you consider to be the shortcomings of your partner. (That means letting things go, and not reverting back to saying, “you always” or “you never.”)
Either one or both of you has sought out the help of a professional therapist or counselor.
You are both able to take baby steps toward getting back together, rather than impulsively jumping in.
It seems as though you both are equally committed to making it work.
SERIOUSLY THINK ABOUT LETTING GO FOR GOOD IF:
You feel pressured by your spouse to make up your mind.
You feel pressured by your in-laws to keep the family intact.
You ended the relationship because of repeat offenses. (If she is a serial cheater, or he is a gambling addict, chances are the behavior will occur again in the future, despite the best of intentions.)
You believe you are being manipulated.
You’re more at peace when your spouse isn’t around.
The easiest and often most difficult test is to obey your instincts, not simply trust them, even when your sister or your best friend might be telling you something entirely different. I know I’m an optimist when I voice my sincere belief that reconciliation can be successful. I’ve actually seen it happen in my mediation practice. But it’s like taking the city bus from the suburbs to downtown. Know that it will take a while, and there will be stops along the way. On the other hand, if reconciliation proves unsuccessful, or ending the relationship for good is the only reasonable option in your situation, then give yourself permission to move on at whatever pace you feel is comfortable. And treat yourself gently during the process.
