Does your partner handle your finances?
Let me share a story. In my first marriage, which was a very long time ago, my husband insisted on paying the household bills even though I was the greater breadwinner. Although I suspected we were living beyond our means, I chose not to address it with my husband. That is, until one trash day when every other neighbor’s trash was picked up except ours, and I found out that we were five months in arrears. I was humiliated and immediately took over the finances. (And soon thereafter, filed for divorce.)
In my professional life, I wish I kept count over the past 12+ years of how many spouses told me during their divorce mediations that they had no idea what was going on with their assets and debts.
I get it. Some partners are more interested, more knowledgeable, and more adept at accounting. Others simply don’t want to be bothered. (Personally, I’ve actually taken on both roles.) What I know for sure is that when money issues create a divide in your relationship, it’s generally because one of the partners is in the dark.
Divorcing people sometimes reveal that they simply signed what was put in front of them, whether it was an application for a new credit card, or an income tax return. Sometimes they have no idea how much the other partner earns, or what they do with the money. An imbalance of spending habits can often lead to divorce. And when one of the partners is dealing with an addiction, such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, or shopping, the shame of the addiction sometimes manifests in secrecy and the withholding of financial information.
Both financial and psychological professionals recommend that spouses should be equally involved in the finances of their marriage. The goal here is transparency. If partners have knowledge of their finances, as well as a sense of shared financial responsibility irrespective of who is the greater earner, it stands to reason that they can reach a mutual understanding of their financial goals as well as their financial challenges.
Naturally, being Co-Chief Financial Officers of the relationship can be stressful. Those of us who enjoy living in the land of denial don’t want to know how much we owe to the IRS or American Express. Some call it blissful ignorance. Others think it’s a recipe for disaster. Rarely do people enjoy budgeting, and nobody likes losing trust in their partner.
However, being Co-Chief Financial Officers of the relationship can also be fun! Calling a monthly Board of Directors meeting to discuss vacation plans, major purchases, or home renovations constitutes the sharing of dreams and goals. When that happens, increased intimacy in the relationship is sure to follow.
Obviously, the level of involvement will vary based on individual preferences and circumstances. Therefore, open communication is key to finding a balanced approach that works for both partners.
Are you a co-CFO? What works in your relationship?
