When you imagine an empty bucket and then fill it, what goes in? Water? Sand? Popcorn? Something intangible?
At least once a week, a divorcing couple comes into my office carrying a bucket of resentment. One or the other has either cheated, spent too much money, hidden money, has a drinking problem, or is a workaholic. You get the picture. And so the other partner, the one who tries to convince me that it’s not their fault, is utterly resentful.
Dealing with a partner’s resentment is a challenging but crucial process for any relationship. Resentment is a deep-seated feeling of anger and bitterness that often stems from unresolved issues, unmet needs, and a perceived sense of unfairness. When left unaddressed, it can lead to the end of the relationship.
If you are unwilling to head down the road to divorce, there are ways to deal with your resentment.
First, recognize the signs. Resentment can manifest in various ways, such as persistent anger, emotional withdrawal, passive-aggressive behavior, constant criticism, or a lack of intimacy. Then, try to identify the source. Resentment rarely appears out of nowhere. It’s often the result of underlying issues that haven’t been properly addressed. Common causes include unmet needs, unresolved conflicts, unequal responsibilities, lack of support, and broken trust.
The next step involves some open and honest communication. Choose a time and place to talk when you won’t be interrupted and both of you are calm. Frame your concerns using “I” statements to avoid making your partner feel attacked or defensive. Listen to your partner’s perspective without interrupting or formulating your rebuttal. Try to understand their feelings and validate them, even if you don’t agree. Then steer the conversation towards forgiveness, as a conscious decision to let go of the negative emotions associated with a past hurt. It doesn’t mean forgetting what happened, but it allows you to move forward.
Then it’s time to take action together. Once you’ve identified the source of the resentment, create a plan to resolve it. This might involve renegotiating roles and responsibilities, setting aside dedicated time for connecting, or seeking to rebuild trust. It’s important to make a conscious effort to express gratitude and show appreciation for the things your partner does well.
And while you’re at it, don’t forget to prioritize yourself. Resentment is emotionally draining for both partners. Encourage each other to engage in activities that bring you joy and help you de-stress. Taking care of your own well-being allows you to better contribute to the relationship’s health.
If you’ve reached an impasse, please seek professional help. Whether you engage in couples therapy or individual therapy, you will undoubtedly gain some tools to help with your coping skills.
Remember, addressing resentment is a process that takes time, patience, and a willingness from both partners to heal and move forward. If you both are committed to your relationship, give this a try. And although I’m always available to help, I’d rather you didn’t need a mediator.
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