Many people I know are dealing with aging parents or grandparents about some or all of these issues: (1) Care, safety and comfort; (2) Mobility; (3) Living situation; (4) Companionship; (5) Sexuality; (6) Mental capacity; and (7) End of life decisions.
Wow! Tough stuff. We tend to avoid these difficult conversations, don’t we? But if we’re being truthful with ourselves, avoidance isn’t the best strategy. The key question is, how do you get started?
(For convenience, I’m going to refer to your aging parent as “Dad.”)
First, I’d suggest you make an appointment with your Dad. If there are other decision makers in the family, be sure that everyone is available, and try to block out no more than an hour. Tell everyone the purpose of the meeting, including your Dad. “Let’s all meet at my house on Friday from 4-5 p.m. to talk about Dad’s driving.”
Next, be prepared to discuss, but not necessarily decide. If your Dad is opinionated and defensive about himself, it’s a good idea to announce that the purpose of the meeting is to gather ideas, and to listen equally to everyone. Reassure your Dad that this meeting is to talk about the issue and brainstorm possible solutions, not to make unilateral decisions on his behalf without his input.
At the meeting, stay focused and take notes. State the purpose using a positive tone: “Dad, we’re all here today to have a conversation about your well-being. Because we love you very much, we want to talk about the relationship between you and your car.” It’s okay to keep the tone light. Establish some ground rules, such as how long the meeting will last, and how each will be respectful of the other’s turn to talk. Once everyone has expressed their opinions about Dad and his car, including your Dad, it’s time to ask appropriate questions. “Do you have any friends who drive?” Then listen to the answers. The object here is understanding, not convincing. It’s okay if the issue doesn’t get resolved.
End the meeting when you said it was going to be over, regardless of whether there’s a decision. Offer the participants some thinking time and, if possible, schedule a follow-up meeting before everyone leaves.
What can go wrong? A lot, I’m afraid. When dealing with family members, it’s highly likely that underlying issues will surface. I could tell you horror stories about family mediations in my conference room, where childhood rivalries, accusations of adultery, and even abuse become more important to scream about than the actual purpose of the meeting. Without a mediator, it’s your job to regain control. Feel free to interrupt the chaos and Insist on getting back to the subject at hand.
Understand that this is not going to be a “one and done” situation. As your Dad ages, other issues may come to light. If you and your family learn some conflict resolution tips along the way, you’ll allow yourselves to focus on what’s really important, and that’s the health and well-being of your Dad.
