In the 14+ years I’ve been a divorce mediator, I’ve become pretty good at reading my clients. Once in awhile, a “divorce bully” and spouse come in and I can tell almost immediately that this is an “or else” situation. “You’ll do this, or else we’re getting a divorce.” I will gently (and quickly) encourage these people to meet with a therapist before coming back into mediation.
Assuming there’s no bully situation, I often start a divorce mediation by telling my clients that they’ve already done the hardest part, and that’s making the decision to end their relationship. In fact, deciding when to “stick a fork in it” can be true whether you’re thinking about ending your marriage, quitting your job, or selling your house. And if you’re indecisive by nature, the choice can be brutal.
To cut to the chase, the decision can be boiled down to six words: Should I stay or should I go?
We stay in unhappy and unproductive relationships for a variety of reasons. One thing I can say with certainty, if the pain or misery of being in the relationship is greater than the fear, guilt, or anxiety of leaving it, it’s time to call it quits.
If you are feeling guilty about leaving your spouse or your job, there are ways to deal with the guilt.
Once in awhile, the universe sends us a sign that is unmistakable, and when I am on the receiving end of such a sign, I am forever grateful. More often than not, however, the decision is a struggle and it takes time. So while you’re contemplating whether to stay or go, do yourself a big favor and make an appointment with a therapist. Speaking with a trained professional will likely give you some clarity, and provide you with some tools to deal with your fears and anxiety.
If you decide to end the relationship, then what? Since relationships are contracts of some form or another, the original contract will need to be revised when you end the relationship. New terms must be negotiated, regardless of whether the contract is work-related or personal.
If you’re leaving an employer, you may need to talk about how much notice they need and/or you’re willing to give. Are you going to have to sign a non-compete agreement? What about your unused vacation days? Will your employer give you a letter of reference?
If the marriage is ending, you may need to address joint assets, debts, children, and alimony. These negotiations do not have to be adversarial. Every day people make the decision to end relationships, and every day people make the choice to do it peacefully instead of with hostility.
In my opinion, ending the relationship peacefully is always the better choice, not only for stress management, but for economics. More and more people are realizing that anger leads to litigation which leads to excessive time and money spent. The mediation process is usually a better choice. (Please forgive the shameless plug.)
