Last month, I had the privilege of conducting a family mediation with three siblings who found each other through a national DNA search organization. The youngest sibling, “Christina,” asked me to help the newly discovered family deal with the potential awkwardness of their first meeting. We all got together in my conference room.
The back story is that after her father’s death, Christina received a gift certificate to begin the search of her ancestry. Among a myriad of surprises, she discovered that her father had two daughters from two prior relationships before he married Christina’s mother. Needless to say, Christina was shocked, intrigued, and kind of pissed at her deceased father. Obviously, she had many unanswered questions.
In preparing for the family mediation, I reached out to the three siblings, none of whom knew each other, to suggest that they consider putting their B.E.S.T. foot forward at our meeting. Here’s how I explained what I meant:
B is for BOUNDARIES. It’s important to establish some boundaries for the first meeting. To be clear, I mean boundaries for each sister. I asked that they think about what they would be willing to share and what they weren’t ready to divulge. A simple, “I’m not comfortable with talking about this” would be sufficient.
E is for EXPECTATIONS. It’s probably time for a reality check. We’re simply talking about the first meeting, not whether these long-lost family members will take care of your kids while you go on vacation, or whether you’d be willing to donate a kidney.
S is for SUPPORT. I asked that they discuss their feelings with a close friend or partner. If it’s acceptable to the others, I thought it might be a good idea to bring someone along to this first meeting, someone with whom they can exchange a wink or an eye-roll from time to time.
T is for TEST DRIVE. I suggested that they consider this first meeting as if they were test driving a new car. It can be a major investment, and they’re going to need to think about these newly-discovered family members may fit into their lives.
To belabor the theme, I also suggested that the B.E.S.T. case scenario would be that they would want to see each other again. Therefore, the B.E.S.T. insurance for some sort of a continuing relationship would be to save the deeper questions for a future gathering. This is not the time to ask your newly-found siblings if they knew about you, or if they had a relationship with your dad. Instead, I asked that they simply focus on getting to know each other. What do they do for a living? What do they do for fun? Keep in mind that this is a first meeting, and each of you has the absolute power to choose what happens next.
In case you’re curious, in spite of a few awkward moments, the meeting went well. I am optimistic that these three women will continue to explore their unique relationship in the future.
