My divorce mediation clients often accuse each other of not having empathy. And I find myself tossing the word around like it’s commonplace. Honestly, I used to think either you have it or you don’t, and if you don’t, it’s too late to learn. And boy, was I wrong.
Psychologists consider empathy to be a cognitive attribute, and not simply a personality trait, which means adults can increase their abilities through observation of others. So, what does that look like?
Let’s say you’re in the grocery store and you see someone trying to reach for an item from the top shelf, so you offer, without being asked, to pull it down for them. That’s empathy (although hypothetical for me – I have literally never been able to reach something up high for someone else).
Or maybe, in that same grocery store, you see that the person in front of you in line is being nasty to the cashier. When it’s your turn, you tell the cashier that you appreciate how she handled the prior customer. That’s empathy.
It seems to me that empathy may be less challenging when we’re offering it to strangers, and more difficult when it concerns those closer to us. What to do then?
Try intentionally putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagine what you’d be feeling in their situation and what support you might need. If you found out that your aunt’s beloved poodle died, you could tell her “well, he’s in a better place,” or “now he’s not in pain any more.” Not bad, but suppose it was your dog. Which would you find more comforting, those platitudes, or your niece’s yummy lasagna delivered to your front door?
What if your co-worker confided that she’d recently had an abortion and that very word goes against all of your personal values. If you begin to recognize your own biases in order to examine what might hinder your ability to empathize, you might see that you simply find yourself closed off to a different culture, gender, or political perspective.
Personally, I like to ask a question prior to making an assumption. Your often weirdly-dressed assistant might respond to “what’s happening in kindergarten these days?” by telling you that, in an effort to manage early morning stress, she frequently asks her 5 year old to pick out her work clothes.
And once in awhile in a divorce mediation if a dose of empathy is warranted, I might ask my clients to literally switch seats and then quote or paraphrase what they heard the other person say.
Stepping outside of our own comfort zone can create a greater appreciation for unfamiliar feelings, leading to more empathy. I am notoriously squeamish, but when my late husband needed me to administer intravenous antibiotics to him, I took a deep breath and did it anyway. That’s empathy.
As trite as it may sound, simply practicing compassion and kindness instead of judgment and ridicule is a clear path towards empathy.
