Have you ever been stuck in a conflict that ends with an impasse? Maybe your co-workers have refused additional responsibility, or your teenager won’t respect a curfew. Maybe your spouse “forgets” to mention use of the debit card, or your babysitter can’t seem to arrive on time.
There are political examples of impasse, too. Just take a look at the divide across the aisle. Obviously, impasse is a common occurrence. That’s why Mediators have the skills and the tools to help people who are stuck.
Are you the stubborn one or are you the one who caves at the first sign of a conflict? When you’re in the heat of the moment, it’s important to breathe and try to take a step back, rather than react in anger. The best strategy would be to figure out what you have in common rather than what’s dividing you. Then schedule a time to revisit the impasse.
When you get back together, start by stating your version of the other person’s position. “Son, I know you think 16 is virtually an adult and that you don’t have to be home by midnight.” Then ask your impasse-partner to repeat his/her understanding of your position. “Mom, I know you can’t fall asleep until I’m home safely.” Assuming that you correctly understand each other but you’re firmly attached to your own point of view, here are a few ideas on how to break the impasse:
1. Suggest that you each provide a couple of alternate proposals. Write them down and then share your notes. Talk about what
you would be willing to offer in exchange for accepting the other party’s proposal.
2. Suggest a trial period and then revisit.
3. Try a role-reversal. Pretend for a moment that you’re in the other person’s shoes, and vice-versa. What would you say?
In real-life examples from my divorce mediation files, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution to resolving an impasse. I’ve had success with alternate proposals when neither party wants to keep the timeshare. Sometimes there is an offer of exchange involved: “Okay, you can keep the Maserati, but then I will keep the dog and the cat.”
I’m also a believer in the “try it for six months” concept. If it’s working, then continue. If not, try something else. And once in a while, I’ve asked clients to literally switch seats and speak in the other’s voice. It not only works as a tension-breaker, but it helps them see that the other’s position is actually sensible. Or maybe it’s simply ridiculous.
And finally, I ask how important is it to be right? When the relationship must continue regardless of the impasse, I encourage my clients to look at the bigger picture. Is the issue at hand going to matter in a month? Six months? A year? If not, then maybe, just maybe, it’s for the greater good to let it go.
If you have had success in resolving an impasse of your own, please comment and tell me your story.
