There’s a significant difference, don’t you think?
I know a guy who complained about practically everything, to the point where being with him often became exhausting. In spite of denying that his intention was to blame, his complaints centered around the problem rather than the solution. To me, his complaints became chronic, so I vented to my friends, or in my journal, for relief.
Psychologists generally concur that venting is healthy. Complaining, on the other hand, can be toxic. Psychologists think that chronic complaining can rewire the brain towards negativity, and make it more difficult to arrive at a solution, Not only that, but chronic complaining is draining to the listener. I’m sure we all have friends who we dread calling because they have nothing but complaints to share.
While I know I’m not always successful, I often introduce my intention to vent when I call a friend. On the other hand, my friend may interpret my side of the conversation as the airing of complaints. (Well, you can’t say I didn’t warn her.) I also try to be mindful of how much I’m hogging the conversation and try to set an internal time limit before moving on to, “Okay, I’m done. What’s been happening with you?”
Dealing with the chronic complainer is a lot trickier than simply listening to someone who’s venting. I frequently find myself looking for a solution while I’m half-listening to the incessant yammering. (I know, that’s harsh.) Yet when I make a suggestion on how to fix the problem, I’m often met with, “I already tried that and it didn’t work” which is a signal to me that the complainer isn’t looking for help because she’s stuck on the problem. At that point, I try to flip my own listening switch to create space for her to simply vent (even though it sounds like a shit-ton of complaining to me). I listen politely for as long as I can, and then tell her I’m getting another call that I have to take.
When I’m conducting a divorce mediation, on the other hand, I don’t try to figure out whether they’re venting or complaining. And due to my neutral position as a mediator, I also don’t try to fix it for them. Instead, I repeat back what they just said so they know that I was listening. Feeling validated often helps the client to shift focus. More importantly, I might ask the other party to repeat back what was just said to verify that I’m not the only person in the room who was listening. In either case, once we feel heard, we enable ourselves to move forward.
Maybe I should ask my clients to figure out whether they’re venting or complaining. If we all understood each other’s intentions in advance, it would most certainly help us to get past the stumbling blocks and move forward into more productive (and likely more interesting) conversations.
Are you able to communicate the distinction?
