After 13+ years as a divorce and family mediator, I have worked with literally hundreds of families. I’ve conducted mediations with parents who’ve brought along their toddlers (not ideal), and I’ve also met privately with their teenagers (ideal). Every kid is unique, and every family has its own dynamics. One thing I know for sure is that kids pattern their behavior after what they observe at home.
So, if the parents demonstrate resilience, the kids will do the same.
Navigating divorce with children is undoubtedly a stressful situation, so adopting healthy, positive coping skills is essential in demonstrating resilience.
This might involve exercise, talking to a friend, or engaging in a hobby, which teaches your kids to turn to positive outlets rather than unhealthy ones. Other positive coping skills might include expressing your feelings to your children in a healthy way (without blame, of course), and encouraging them to do the same.
Try to let your kids see how you’ve been working through your challenges. Maybe point out to them that both you and their other parent have made mistakes in your marriage, and maybe that you’ve sought the help of a therapist. It’s important to acknowledge that even parents can make bad decisions, and perhaps being disrespectful at times to one another was one of them. Explain, in age-appropriate language, what you’ve learned and that you’ll continue to learn in order to become a better person and a better parent.
Another important aspect in demonstrating your resilience is to focus on the positive, rather than on the negative, in order to help your children obtain a better perspective. If you’re talking to them about your impending separation or divorce, try to help them look at the bigger picture. Depending on their ages, you can positively spin moving out of the family home by saying they can choose the paint color for the walls in their new bedrooms.
Rather than focusing on what might go wrong in the future, something I call “pre-worrying,” how about teaching resilience by asking “what’s the worst that could happen?” You can do some brainstorming with your kids about what could go right, instead. Teaching them the difference between things that are beyond our control, like their soccer game being cancelled due to rain, and things that we can control, like going out for pizza instead, is another way of demonstrating resilience.
Sometimes, it’s helpful for parents to share their own resilience stories. Maybe you were overweight in middle school, so one summer you went to the community pool every day to swim laps. When you got back to school in the fall, you had grown two inches and lost ten pounds! You’re demonstrating to your kids that you overcame adversity yourself, and that it took some time and determination, but you succeeded in the long run.
By sharing your own struggles and successes and helping your kids to solve theirs, you are providing them with the tools to build a lifelong skill of resilience.
