In the years prior to moving to Las Vegas, I lived next door to a wonderful couple. They were generous and fun to be around. Their marriage, however, confused me long before I was ever in the divorce business. Why? Mainly because every so often they would have noisy shouting matches, so loud that I could hear them through closed windows. The wife confided in me that those fights would be followed by days of silence, until one day they would just start talking to each other again, never resolving (and sometimes not even remembering) the issue that caused the fight in the first place. Not surprisingly, after a few years of marriage, they began to resent each other and ultimately they divorced.
In my mediation practice, I often hear that one partner had no idea the other was unhappy. The term “blindsided” is frequently expressed, along with shock and surprise. I, too, felt that way once, a very long time ago. When I think back with brutal honesty and self-awareness, I realize that there were many signs along the way. Did I miss them. Or was I simply sweeping those signs under the rug?
We all get caught up in the morass of our daily lives, choosing to spend waking hours dealing with what we determine are priorities. We make breakfast, get the kids ready for school, go to work, stop at the grocery store on the way home, make dinner, unwind for a couple of hours, and go to bed. No time for reflection on complicated issues and feelings.
And so we sweep and sweep. What happens when there’s no more space under there?
We can convince ourselves that sweeping issues under the rug is a safety measure. We act like everything’s okay, that it doesn’t really matter, and that it’s just easier to avoid a conflict than to deal with it. Maybe that’s true in certain circumstances, but it’s more likely that the mound under the rug will continue to grow. The thought of facing that mound is daunting, not to mention time-consuming. Getting professional help to sift through it is also time-consuming, not to mention potentially very expensive. In reality, it’s the opposite of safety. We all know that explosions can happen when stress gets bottled up for too long.
If we’re being honest enough with ourselves to admit that we sweep because we’re afraid of certain consequences, then we probably should address what’s really causing the fear. It may be unidentifiable at first, or complicated, or even painful. Personally, I sometimes fear the judgment of others, and a fear of what their truth might reveal. What I’m learning, and to be sure, I’m a work in progress, is that freedom is the antidote to fear.
As we continue to explore the underlying issues that habitually cause us to grab the broom, consider setting a goal to sweep them into the trash instead of under the rug.
Your thoughts?
