I was conducting a divorce mediation recently, and the couple asked me to help them communicate in a more respectful way. The wife felt unappreciated and said to the husband, “You never give me a compliment.” He immediately denied it, and here’s why.  It’s because she said “never.” It’s an absolute, and using it guarantees a push-back.

“Never” is pretty much always an angry word.

Imagine that you’re in an argument with your kid.  You might say things like, “You never put your dirty clothes in the hamper,” or “You never fill up the car after you’ve borrowed it,” or “You’re never nice to your little brother.”  I know it’s hard to choose your words when you’re aggravated, but take a moment here to think about what might you say the next time.  What words would better help the situation?

I know I’m dating myself here, but I remember the first computer I ever purchased. I was told it had loads of memory and I’d never run out. It became full in less than a year.  Do you remember your first cell phone plan, which had limits on either minutes or data, or both? Although the sales associate assured you that you’d never use them up, how long did it take before you did?

Hopefully, your alarm is now set to go off the next time a “never” statement is directed at you. When it happens (notice, I didn’t say “if it happens . . .), try to remember these three points:

1. Don’t believe everything you’re hearing.
2. Understand that you’re being baited, so don’t immediately answer by defending yourself.
3. Whatever you do, make sure you don’t respond with a “never” statement of your own.

Instead, try to figure out what the person is really saying and, more importantly, delicately remove yourself from the situation by asking for some thinking time before you respond. Asking for thinking time is definitely a good idea when you’re dealing with a trained salesperson. On the other hand, if you’re dealing with a family member or an employer, it’s even more important to ask for thinking time, particularly if your instinct tells you the conversation could go off the rails and possibly become verbally abusive.

In any event, I think we all need some wiggle room when having significant conversations. Eliminating the “never” from your statements will guarantee that wiggle room, not to mention you’ll save face if your statement is called into question.

Obviously, there are occasions where using the word is acceptable. Here’s my list:

A. I will never forget the 6,000,000 who died in the Holocaust.

B. I will never forget 9/11.

C. I will never forget January 6th.

D. I will never use the “N” word.

These are a few of my personal examples of when I use the word.  And now I’m curious about your list, so I’m inviting you to comment with some other examples of when you think it’s okay to say “never.”