I had an interesting discussion at a recent Adam’s Place meeting. (Adam’s Place is a non-profit organization supporting children and their families who have suffered the loss of a loved one. I have been facilitating the adult group for eight years, and it’s been one of the greatest honors in my life.)

Anyway, there were several widows in my group who shared a similar challenge, which was how to nicely say “no” to well-intentioned family members.  In particular, one of the women was having difficulty telling her mother that it wasn’t a good time for a visit.  A couple of the other widows chimed in to agree, expressing that hosting their mothers would likely turn into a fiasco.  So we brainstormed together about nice ways to say no — a task where the challenge directly corresponds to the nature of the relationship.

Whether you’re facing a persistent relative, or a work colleague who wants your relationship to become personal as well as professional, or a neighbor who seems like she has no friends other than you, it’s not unusual to say “yes” because it’s easier than saying “no.”  

Let’s change that right now so that we can set some healthy boundaries and keep “no” as the final answer.

First, begin by expressing your appreciation.

Thank your mom or your neighbor for their kind offer.   Mom, I appreciate your generosity to take two weeks out of your busy life to spend with me.

Next, politely decline.  Christine, the timing right now isn’t good.  Or, Jim, please understand that I need to prioritize myself right now.  Or perhaps something even less specific, Emily, unfortunately it won’t work right now.  (Note here that the word “now” is gentle and doesn’t mean forever.)

If appropriate, you can offer an alternative, Mom, let’s wait until the kids are out of school for the summer.

You can even provide a brief explanation of why you’re declining.  Jim, as you know, I’m going through a tough time right now and need to simplify things.  Try your best to be both clear and concise.

And finally, end with Emily, I want to thank you for respecting my decision.  

Once you’ve said no by thanking, declining, offering an alternative, explaining, and pointing out their respect for you, it’s time for you to let it go, without regret.  It’s human nature for most of us to want to please others, to be helpful and to be accommodating, but at what cost?  Are you setting yourself up for resentment, stress, or burnout?  Are you concerned that your mom, your colleague, or your neighbor will be mad at you?  If the need for someone else’s approval is greater than protecting your own space and energy, it’s probably time for some introspection.  And what if you’re prone to feeling guilty?  Does your duty to support someone else outweigh that same duty to yourself? 

If you’re truly nice about saying no, give yourself permission to let it go.  (Hey! That rhymes!)