Not surprisingly, I have heard many arguments during divorce mediation. I’ve also listened to many arguments between my parents. And I’ve participated in more than a few arguments in my own relationships. I can say for sure that people have unique ways of arguing. What I’d like to say for sure, but can’t, is that people can succeed at recovering from an argument.
What can be done to recover?
We can cool down. We can attempt to fix the problem. We can go back over how the argument occurred in the first place. And we can find a solution. Seems pretty obvious. And yet we stew, we vent, we explode, or we give up.
Here are some helpful hints that I’ve gathered from relationship experts:
Take a Break. Step away from the conversation in order to avoid the fight-or-flight response that makes rational talk difficult. Use the time apart to breathe, take a walk, listen to music, or occupy your brain in an unrelated task. And while you’re at it, give some thought about your role in the argument.
Try to Repair. Be the one who initiates the follow-up conversation. Doing so will show the other person that you value your relationship more than being right. Make a gesture of kindness to show you care. Or ask for a “do-over” and this time, have the conversation in a calmer manner.
Communicate about the Conflict. A good place to start is with a sincere and specific apology. This doesn’t necessarily mean to admit you were wrong when you believe otherwise. It’s more about being sorry for the tone of the argument, or the fact that it went to a bad place. Talk about your feelings (without saying “you made me feel . . .”) and then listen to the response. And by listening, I mean to understand what your partner is saying before you formulate your response. Maybe even repeat back what you heard in order to validate the words. And don’t forget to acknowledge the emotions behind those words. Remember that listening and validating doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing.
Then Find a Solution. After you have apologized, listened, heard, and validated, it’s time to actually recognize the issue that triggered the fight. And then, work on a compromise. Try to see it as a win-win and not a win-lose, and you’ll fare better in the long run.
Next Time. Figure out a way to talk about how you can do better. Maybe it’s appropriate to create some ground rules or a timetable. You might agree upon a specific signal to take a break. Or, you might commit to a weekly “Board of Directors” meeting. This is when you both can acknowledge that you’re on the same team and then look ahead in an attempt to avoid future nasty arguments.
At the end of the day, if you both commit to looking at the argument as an opportunity to understand each other, you won’t have squandered your ability to learn and do better.
