I wish I would have kept track of the number of divorce mediation clients who’ve accused each other of sabotaging the relationship, often masking their inner fear of rejection. As I start my 15th year (!!) as a divorce and family mediator, I’m able to share several common threads of sabotage that my clients have revealed. See whether any of these apply to you:
The silent treatment.
Kitchen-sinking.
Passive-aggression.
While not always a bad thing (if you’re taking time to organize your thoughts), the silent treatment can be used as a weapon rather than dealing with the issue head-on in an effort to resolve it. On the other hand, kitchen-sinking, which typically involves words like “you always . . .” or “you never . . .” can be detrimental because it redirects the situation to the past and not the present. Passive-aggression is generally not helpful, especially when it’s used as a tool to level insults or express anger at the other partner.
All three of these labels connect to relationship sabotage because each leads to a breakdown in communication.
Relationship sabotage can also occur by way of financial infidelity (I may or may not have hidden purchases and cut off price tabs), as well as by lack of quality time (I may or may not have arranged dinner dates with my female friends rather than spend quality time with my spouse).
These sabotage tactics often have the cumulative effect of what I have referred to as Buckets of Resentment. Sabotage can happen when a partner stops raising concerns because they feel they won’t be heard, leading to:
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Emotional Withdrawal: Quietly “checking out” of the relationship long before the legal process begins.
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Scorekeeping: Tracking every failure of the other person to justify one’s own distance.
In divorce mediation, I am likely to see the moment where the collaborative spirit dies. This sometimes shows up when the goal of my clients begins to shift from solving the problem to winning the fight, which fundamentally sabotages the relationship. Or when my clients begin to replace questions, such as “why do you feel that way?” with assumptions, “I know exactly why you’re doing this”. Again, sabotage.
I’m speaking from personal experience when I describe a former partner who I believe sabotaged our relationship. In retrospect, I saw that he often “flipped the script” on me instead of taking accountability for his own contribution. I, too, sabotaged that relationship by keeping score. I even made a list of grievances which I added onto regularly! (Isn’t hindsight wonderful?)
Recognizing these patterns isn’t about assigning blame, it’s about regaining control. Sabotage is often just a protective shield we use when we feel vulnerable. By identifying our own ‘scorecards’ or ‘silent treatments,’ we can choose to set them down and replace them with curiosity and accountability. Healing a relationship (or ending one with grace) begins the moment we stop trying to win the fight and start trying to understand the person across the table.
If any of this resonates with you, please comment.
