During practically every divorce mediation, I remind my clients that, although they’re no longer a couple, they will always be a family. I offer up scenarios where they’ll likely be sitting next to or near each other, such as graduations, birthday parties, weddings, soccer games, and school performances. And I reinforce that being civil with one another during the divorce process is a pretty good indicator of positive interactions down the road.
Also during practically every divorce mediation, I mention the in-laws when talking about child custody, visitation, and parenting plans. Sometimes we delve into the prospect that divorcing couples are also divorcing their entire extended families. And sometimes misplaced loyalty finds its way to the children with the potential for subsequent adverse effects. (Grandma, you might not want to make rude comments about your son’s ex-wife in front of the kids.)
A pretty accurate predictor is the type of relationship that existed prior to the divorce. Did Jason call his in-laws “Mom” and “Dad?” Or did he call them anything at all? Did Christine have an actual friendship with her brother-in-law, Jonathan? Or with her husband’s sister, Lisa? Did Jason’s in-laws respect him, or did they think he was a loser? Has Christine seen or spoken with Jonathan or Lisa since the separation?
How can divorced couples co-exist with their former in-laws?
I often hear that the divorcing people develop the characteristics of a turtle: retreating into one’s shell when necessary. But a better suggestion is that the couple and their respective families make an attempt to establish new boundaries and a few ground rules for moving forward.
Here are some examples that have proven successful:- Encourage your parents and siblings to be Switzerland; try not to take sides in issues that don’t concern them.
- Set your own limits as to what information you pass on to your family.
- Insist that there be no badmouthing of your ex in front of you, and most emphatically, never in front of your kids.
- Remind everyone that they can be civil and you won’t look at their civility as a betrayal of you.
- Be patient. It will take awhile for your extended families to adjust to your “uncoupling.”
- Remember that there are no victims here. Insist that you not be treated as one.
And here are a few things to avoid: - Involving your parents and siblings in your court case.
- Discussing financial matters such as child support and alimony
- Talking about your dating life.
It’s important to understand that the relationship you had with your in-laws during the marriage is now over. While accepting that it will look different from now on, you can still be flexible and adaptable. It may take time to figure out what works for everyone. Be willing to compromise on things like holidays and family gatherings, particularly for the sake of the children. And even if you’re not as close as you once were, a respectful and amicable relationship is beneficial for everyone. Especially your kids.
