A few months ago, I was helping to train future volunteer facilitators at my favorite non-profit, Adam’s Place (www.adamsplacelv.org), and one of the participants shared something truly wonderful with the rest of us. I’m writing about this now in the hopes that I imprint this wisdom in my own mind and, perhaps in your mind as well.
To be perfectly candid, my motivation is personal. Recently, after a particularly challenging divorce mediation, I called my #1 man. I told him that I needed to vent and proceeded to describe my frustration. He listened politely for a few minutes, and when I paused to take a breath (or maybe a shot of tequila), he proceeded to tell me what I needed to do. He’s a man, and I understand that men cannot help themselves. They are, by nature, fixers and I know my guy definitely had the best of intentions. However, that wasn’t what I needed.
What my new volunteer facilitator taught me was to start these types of conversations by stating whether my need is to be heard, helped, or hugged.
Had I communicated better with my guy at the onset of our conversation by stating that I simply needed to be heard and not helped, I think I would have ended the call with a lot less frustration (and tequila) and a lot more support. The fact that I told him I needed to vent was clearly insufficient. So, next time . . .
When we’re looking for support from our inner circle, I think it’s important to spell out our expectations and needs up front. When my friend Sara’s job interview lasted longer than scheduled and her 7-year-old was stuck at school without a ride home, Sara knew she needed to be helped, so she called her neighbor. It didn’t require a lengthy explanation, simply a concise request.
And when my cousin (who was 30 minutes late for our dinner date) explained that he had a flat tire, and literally minutes after he’d put on the spare and hit the road again, he was pulled over for driving with an expired license plate, all while processing that he’d just lost an important job opportunity to a competitor, he said, “Nancy, I need to be hugged.”
I used to have a tacit arrangement with a couple of my close friends that when one of us said we needed to vent, the other would simply listen without offering advice. Easier said than done, especially for me. I often resolve not to give unsolicited advice, but that resolution typically lands in the same shredder as my other New Year’s resolutions. Now, my close friends know the three key “H” words, and we have acquired new clarity with each other.
Giving support to someone close is always a good idea. The trick is to know what kind of support is actually needed. In a perfect world, we should all communicate whether we need to be heard, helped, or hugged.
