If you’ve been married more than 20 years and are contemplating divorce, you’re not alone. For more than 10 years, I have helped a surprising number of couples to end their long term marriages, some even after 45 years! This phenomenon has been labeled the “Grey Divorce” (as in older couples with grey hair), and I’m sharing some observations that may address the obvious question: why throw in the towel after all these years? Or, even more to the point, why now?
As with the end of any relationship regardless of its duration, there are some common issues leading to ending a long-term marriage, such as sex and money. Usually not enough of one or the other, or both, can cause a breakup. In a grey divorce, those issues can be more complicated. Attitudes about money and sex can change vastly over the years and when one partner’s views are evolving at a different rate than the other’s, there might not be an easy solution.
In addition to evolving attitudes, the whole aging issue becomes more significant in a grey divorce. Some partners attempt to reverse the aging process by having affairs with much younger people; others change their hairstyle, fashion, and even their body parts in order to feel younger. When we factor in a longer life expectancy, divorce in our 50s, 60s, and even 70s still allows us to look forward to decades of quality living.
Occasionally, grey divorces are mutual. People grow apart for many reasons. Their lifestyles may change after retirement, and while one partner simply wants to lounge around the house in pajamas with no fixed agenda, having a spouse who yearns to travel or take up pickleball can emphasize the differences between them rather than what they have in common.
Let’s also consider a couple’s different tastes in food and entertainment, or maybe different attitudes about socializing and household obligations, and most divisively, opposing political viewpoints, and what once was a reasonably harmonious lifestyle can turn into a bickering battleground. Who wants to live like that?
And finally, I have helped many empty-nesters to amicably end their marriages. It’s not especially easy to admit that all they ever had in common was their mutual desire to raise good kids. But once those kids become self-sufficient, it can be time to re-evaluate, especially if the spouses got married for what may not have been the best of reasons; i.e., pregnancy or parental approval. A grey divorce is one way to undo past regrets.
I wish I could offer some tips to avoid the grey divorce, but I’m not qualified to do so. If you see yourself here now, or someday, I urge you to consider mediation as an alternative to protracted, expensive, and often times ugly divorce litigation. I also urge you to remain non-judgmental when you learn of an older couple’s uncoupling. It’s a difficult and painful decision to make. They need your support, not your criticism.
Aren’t we all entitled to joy?
