Don’t bother Googling the definitions of “translator” and “interpreter.” I just did and, according to Google, they’re synonymous. I respectfully disagree. In my opinion, Mediators are translators. We (attempt to) translate the communication from one party in conflict to another. If, instead, we become interpreters, we run the risk of getting it wrong. It’s like reading a text or email without actually hearing the tone of the sender. Are they being heartfelt or sarcastic?
A few months ago, I had the honor of conducting a mediation with a blended family. They came to me mainly because the stepfather and stepdaughter were constantly arguing with each other. When I was in college, we called it a generation gap and I still think that’s a good description. Regardless of the label, that family helped me zero in on this: When we have problems communicating with somebody is it because they don’t understand our words? Are we busy interpreting when we should simply be translating?
When people in a relationship are having difficulty with their communication, how often do you suppose they get it wrong? “You never listen!” “You always interrupt!” I’ve heard those two statements hundreds of times in divorce mediations.
If you’re in the middle of a heated discussion, it can sometimes be hard to break an old habit. So now, while you’re calmly reading this, I’m going to tell you what to do to become a translator rather than an interpreter. For starters, you don’t have to go to school or listen to a million language immersion podcasts. Being a translator in a difficult conversation is actually very simple.
All you need to do is repeat back what you just heard.
To illustrate, let’s imagine the blended family scenario mentioned above.
Stepfather: “You’re disrespectful to your mother and to me, and I’m tired of your attitude.”
Stepdaughter (as interpreter): “Fine. I just won’t speak to either of you.”
Stepdaughter (as translator): “You think I’m disrespectful and my attitude bothers you?”
Stepfather (after being actually heard): “Well, I know you’ve been having some problems adjusting to me marrying your mother.”
Stepdaughter (after feeling less defensive): “It’s so hard bouncing back and forth from my dad’s house to my mom’s house.”
See where I’m going with this?
In the heat of conflict, each of us wants to be heard. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to get off our stance so that we’re able to be more solution-oriented instead of fixating on the blame. And yet, it’s complicated to offer a solution to someone who’s not able to receive it because of the underlying emotions. Once the stepdaughter heard some validation from her stepfather, that he seemingly understood what she’d been going through, her anger lifted.
At that point in the mediation, I asked a follow-up question to the young lady: “What would it take to make the transition easier for you?” And then the conversation focused on solutions rather than blame.
Can you translate what you just read?
