Yes, I borrowed the title from a television show that sets people up with actors portraying situations of various conundrums. Some of the people do nothing and others actually confront the actors to weigh in on what they’re overhearing. And it has me wondering how YOU would handle the various situations I’m about to describe.
Let’s say you learned that a friend’s teenage son discovered that his dad has a secret. A big one. Your friend wants you to tell her how she should deal with the information. What do you say?
And what if you discovered that your boss was embezzling from the company? Would you report it even if it meant you’d most likely lose your job?
If you see a teenager stealing lipstick at the drugstore, would you tell the manager or walk away?
Or you accidentally witnessed your cousin’s husband passionately kissing another woman. While your instinct tells you that you need to warn your cousin, are you concerned that she might “shoot the messenger?”
Attaching a label, such as whistle-blower, gossip, or tattletale isn’t helpful. (Full disclosure: I am anti-labeling in general.) Of course, inappropriately sharing information can be downright dangerous, which is why police departments have secret witness hotlines. So, are we stuck with being the keeper of secrets? What’s the appropriate way to manage delicate situations that are thrust upon us?
In my mediation practice, I am entrusted with confidential information on a daily basis. And while I am both professionally and personally trustworthy, I have an ethical responsibility to report illegal activity, and I have a moral responsibility to protect children who may not have a voice of their own.
I believe this dilemma boils down to a case-by-case evaluation. Make sure to take adequate time to think about the consequences, both to you and to the people directly affected. Obviously, if someone’s personal safety is at risk, it’s a good idea to say something. Regardless, there are other things to consider when measuring your own involvement. What else is at risk? Your relationship with the other person? That person’s relationship with his or her family, friends, neighbors, or co-workers?
And let’s take a moment to factor ethics into this conversation, because they matter. Ethics are moral principles, and they can be as individual as DNA. Whether you are morally opposed to infidelity is only relevant to your reaction to it, and not to someone else’s decision to cheat. However, if you think stealing from the company is unethical, that may result in an entirely different course of action.
What would YOU do is obviously a very personal question which, hopefully, results in deliberate thought rather than impulsive action.
Have you ever been entrusted with a secret of massive proportion? Please tell me the secret in your comments. (Just kidding.) What I would really like to know is how you felt about it. Were you judgmental? Did you feel complimented? Was it a burden? And how did you handle it?
When you say that each situation requires its own evaluation; that’s true. I have two different situations to describe. When I was about 19, a close friend (we were friends all through high school, like sisters), got engaged to a guy I broke up with the year before. (My friend, another girlfriend of hers, and I were roommates, that’s how she met him). He was a big guy, former Marine. I had been in Canada for a few months and thought I’d stop by, one morning. I was in the neighborhood. I was anxious to see her. They were living together. She wasn’t home. He invited me in, and made a pass at me. I remember jumping up, and admonishing him. His response was, “It’s ok because we’re friends.” I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I told him I wanted to leave, and he’d better let me, or I’d scream! He let me leave. I told her about what happened. She didn’t believe me until our other roommate (her friend), told her he tried with her, too; and said the same thing, “it’s ok because we’re friends”. I say, if you know your friend is being cheated on, let them find out on their own! They will “shoot the messenger”!
Regarding the embezzlement situation; my son works as an accountant. He had a job, briefly, where his boss wanted him to make an entry on the books that wasn’t ‘kosher’. He made the entry, as instructed, but also made a note next to it. He was let go. As an accountant, he has a responsibility to give an honest accounting; if there is impropriety, he could be implicated if he goes along with it. He found another job, easily.
Good examples! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I work in Information Security. I deal with other peoples secrets all the time. I also investigate and prepare legal information for trial. Solved a murder, varies crimes in progress, protected more than 1 billion dollars during a vulnerabilty repair. Yes, I also touch personal secrets that need to be handled with care.
As a rule, waiting until 19 out of 20 persons would agree that I should act is wise. This amounts to being 300% sure it’s wrong before proceeding to report. Threats if I do not collude is one of the items I use to detect that something is wrong.
Honest mistake rates: a trained profession will error from 1 to 5 times in the performance of 1000 uses of their skill. One on 4 persons with zero mistakes is a villain who is good at destroying evidence. (Another sign something is wrong.)
As a general rule, honest people need gracious treatment, acceptance of a thin but unavoidable mistake rate, and are unafraid of being identified.
Tell when 95% sure done thing is very wrong. Tell even if it costs you. But only tell what you can prove.
Don, thank you for your insight. I have one question for you: how do you quantify being 95% sure?
Ethics – it’s not so black and white or clear as many people think. It hinges a lot on personal perception. During many interactions with people over the last 20+ years I’ve had a few debates with people about it. I love how you stated it “Ethics are moral principles, and they can be as individual as DNA.”
As we mature emotionally, hopefully, we learn deliberate thought rather than impulsive action can produce better outcomes.
Bea, I love how you stated “… deliberate thought rather than impulsive action…” Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
I am a great believer of Karma and the saying that “what goes around comes around” and have seen it to be true many times over my life time. And yes we need to get the thing between our ears in gear before we get the thing under our nose going. Every situation is different and has to be dealt with in that way. There are no one fits all answers.
I totally agree, Jay. Each situation is different. Thank you for your insight.