As a divorce mediator, I can share many reasons why marriages end. But as we all know, a majority of marriages thrive. I often ask couples who seem to have figured it out to share their formula for success.
The answers run the gamut from separate bathrooms (my parents’ solution to their 65 year marriage) to genuine friendship (both my sister’s marriage and my brother’s). And according to others, the concept of “happy wife, happy life,” isn’t just a meme. I’ve also observed long term marriages where the spouses have decided that staying married is safer and less complicated than calling it quits, so they choose to live together more as roommates than as a couple.
Obviously, there’s no single “secret” to a long-lasting marriage. However, some key elements consistently emerge, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist nor a marriage counselor, to identify them.
Respect is non-negotiable. Valuing your partner’s opinions regardless of whether you agree, and treating each other with kindness, even when it seems impossible.
Communication is significant. Openly expressing needs, feelings, and concerns, and actively listening to those of your partner with an eye towards understanding rather than responding or defending.
Trust is essential. Having integrity, being honest, and being supportive, while remembering that once trust is broken, it may be difficult or impossible to repair.
Commitment can be challenging, especially when many relationships seem to be disposable. There will be bad times as well as good.
Compromise is crucial. Not everything gets to be done your way, so figure out your priorities and be willing to negotiate.
Intimacy is important. Of course, physical intimacy matters, but so does emotional intimacy. Expressing appreciation, giving and receiving affection, and nurturing your connection are all ways of being intimate in a relationship.
Growth is something long-term partners seem to have figured out. We evolve as individuals, and therefore we must allow our relationship to evolve while, at the same time, being supportive of each other’s personal growth.
Forgiveness can be the biggest challenge to a lengthy relationship. We are all human and, over the years, will most assuredly make mistakes. Giving ourselves permission to forgive each other is essential.
