Just last week, I started a divorce mediation with a couple going through a particularly ugly break-up. Practically the first thing they told me was that they they often fight in front of their kids. And they acknowledged the negative impact.
I shared some insight by telling my clients that my own parents constantly bickered in front of me. It made me feel both frightened and super-uncomfortable. I still remember worrying about the possibility of divorce, and whether I’d live with my mom or with my dad. (P.S. It never happened.) However, my parents’ bickering had a lasting impact on me because, as a young bride, I also bickered with my husband. I thought it was what married people did, and it took me way too long to figure out that bickering didn’t work for me. Point being, all couples disagree from time to time, and even when you think your kids aren’t listening, they are. Your conflicts will likely have an impact on their adult relationships.
I now ask my divorce mediation clients to agree in writing that they won’t fight in front of their kids. If that’s not entirely possible, please take note of these suggestions:
DO follow the three Rs:
Model respect for each other in front of your children. (Otherwise, where are they going to learn this?)
Make a request of your spouse instead of a demand. (It’s going to be more effective in the long run.)
Do your best to resolve the issue when you know the kids are paying attention. (Showing them that solutions are reached through compromise.)
DON’T yell, call each other names, throw things, or slam doors in front of the kids.
WHY? Because your fighting will raise their anxiety level, threaten their security, and most importantly, will give your children the message that it’s normal and okay to handle conflict in this manner.
INSTEAD:
- Don’t take the bait. As my dad used to say, “even a fish wouldn’t get caught if he kept his mouth shut.”
- Agree in advance to postpone the heated conversation until the kid are completely out of earshot.
- Identify recurring problems and figure out solutions.
- Listen to each other to understand, rather than to retort.
- Apologize and hug it out.
I’m not writing about this to point a finger at anybody, but rather to provide some food for thought. Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. However, if you can teach yourself how to resolve disagreements using these guidelines, you’ll actually be teaching your kids at the same time.
One last story: I recently conducted a divorce mediation with a young couple. When I asked (as I always do) about fighting in front of their children, the wife told me that they don’t fight. What? Nope, not a single disagreement. Turns out, neither of them learned how to resolve conflicts from their own parents, so they fumed on the inside until they reached a boiling point, and then their marriage was irreparable.
Any thoughts?
