Couples who adopt are very special. It’s a massive decision with lifetime implications. I think it starts with a “what if …?” and ends with a “let’s do it!” What gets discussed in between is unique and personal, and I would never intrude on anyone else’s decision-making process.
What I do wonder about is what happens next? You bring the baby, toddler, child, tween, or teenager home and set about making him/her a part of your family. You’ve read numerous books, and met for hours with therapists so that you’re clear about your child’s needs. But have you talked about your partner’s needs?
It’s inevitable that relationships typically change and evolve irrespective of the circumstances. Adoption is, however, is not a typical circumstance, and you may discover things about your partner’s style of parenting that don’t exactly thrill you. Simply put, be prepared for conflict.
- You and your partner might be bonding differently with your child.
- You and your partner might have different ideas about your child’s discipline, schooling, friends, hobbies, hygiene, nutrition, or bedtime.
- You and your partner might not be making sufficient time for each other.
Please remember, not all conflict is bad. When you look at it as an opportunity to communicate; to listen, hear, and understand, it’s actually pretty darn good because it can lead to resolution. This is especially important when it comes to navigating the muddy, dirty, sticky, messy, and rewarding world of child rearing.
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of communicating your observations and expectations with your spouse. If you think he/she has a closer relationship with your kid than you have,TALK ABOUT IT. Give specific examples: “Haley only calls for you when she’s had a bad dream, and that makes me feel unloved.” What if you’re a more sound sleeper than your partner, so you don’t jump up as quickly to offer comfort to your child? Wouldn’t it make sense that when it happened again, she’d call for the parent who came in the prior time?
If you have different ideas about the nuts and bolts of child rearing; i.e., homework, bedtime, bathing, etc., have a conversation with your partner and LISTEN TO EACH OTHER about your reasons for a 7:30 bedtime, or a bath every night. Then be flexible. Try it his way for awhile, and make a date to reassess.
If you feel neglected by your partner because he/she is spending more time with your child than with you, don’t complain. Instead, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Arrange a babysitter, or set the alarm an hour earlier one morning, or write a love letter, or bake a batch of brownies, Remember that your spouse is your best friend. Remember why you fell in love in the first place. Above all, remember to pay attention to your marriage.
Loved this article. My partner and I have always had excellent communication. When we adopted our son, who was 7 at the time, we had to kick our communication into overdrive. I learned so much about myself and my partner. We thought we agreed on everything beforehand, but once our son came into our lives, our differences of opinion, often incredibly subtle, were suddenly front and center. We also had to learn to take time out from being parents and just be a couple every once in a while… Thanks for writing this!