Drama is everywhere. We all get caught up in it, whether by watching the news or letting reality television suck us dry. (By the way, I’m guilty of doing both.)
In divorce mediation, the drama is both real and exaggerated. Ending a relationship is real and it’s life changing. That part isn’t dramatic, it’s simply the truth. But the way people navigate the ending? That’s where the theatrics begin.
Sometimes the drama can be nit-picky, like when my clients are tattling on each other to me, expecting me to be the parent, the referee, or the judge of who’s right and who’s wrong. This occurs most frequently when they’re dealing with co-parenting issues where the stakes feel high, but the conflict is often about the small stuff. I’ve worked with co-parents who vehemently disagree on the appropriate age for the kids to have their own cellphones. And sometimes they can’t view compromise as a viable solution. Meanwhile, I’m sitting there thinking it’s not the end of the world if their daughter has to wait until she’s 12 to get her own phone, even if “all her friends” already have one.
Is this drama going to matter in a year from now? How about in a month? In a week?
Perspective, people.
However, there can also be significant drama in divorce mediation. Even though “Justin” and “Christine” agreed, in writing, that they wouldn’t introduce their little boy to a new romantic partner until that relationship had been exclusive for at least a year, Christine’s new boyfriend met their son before the deadline. Justin was furious and afraid that his five-year-old would consider the new boyfriend as “daddy.” By the time they came back to mediation, it was essentially too late. Justin wanted me to chastise Christine for not abiding by the terms of their agreement. I was more concerned about whether the new relationship would last and, if not, that their son would have to suffer another loss. Since their agreement had already been violated, there wasn’t much to handle. Instead, we talked at length about what they would do differently next time, and how to protect their son from future disappointment.
As a Mediator, my job is to help people step back far enough to see the bigger picture. Not the phone and not the tattling. The bigger picture is the co-parenting relationship they’re trying to build, one that’s calmer, clearer, and not held hostage by moment‑to‑moment irritations.
Sometimes I remind parents that drama has a sneaky way of convincing us that every disagreement is a referendum on our values, our parenting, or our ex’s competence. But most of the time, it’s not. It’s simply two people standing too close to a problem to see it clearly. When emotions run high, even small issues feel enormous, and suddenly the conversation isn’t about a cellphone at all. It’s about fear, control, guilt, or the lingering sting of the breakup.
Drama is loud. Peace is quiet. Choosing peace starts with choosing your battles.
