I recently read an article in the L.A. Times about marriage. The author was describing how her husband would move furniture around while she was on a business trip. He looked upon it as a gesture of kindness: “I thought this layout would make your office more efficient.” She viewed it as an annoying tendency: “It’s aggravating to have to look for things that you’ve moved.”
My mom liked to move the furniture around. On any given day, and for no particular reason, I’d come home from school to find the living room couch on the opposite wall, or my dad’s recliner somewhere new. I wonder now whether my dad saw those changes as annoying or whether my mom thought mixing things up was an act of kindness.
Regardless, furniture changes are manageable. People who change? That’s another story.
I used to say, “people don’t change.” I have discovered, however, that people do, in fact, change. Sloppy teenagers become obsessively neat when they begin living on their own. High school kids who graduated with a C+ average become straight-A college students when they find their passion. People who had no interest in their nieces and nephews are now parenting their own kids with immeasurable love and enthusiasm. A real estate agent who was once the number one producer in her office slowly burns out while her colleagues climb ahead. And what about the once-loving and highly sexual spouse who no longer wants to share intimacy in the marriage? Or the closeted gay person who finally has the courage to come out to their family and friends? Or someone who ultimately transitions to the opposite gender?
Now I say, “people do change.”
So why is it hard for us to accept change in others? Can change actually be a good thing? It’s important to understand that we all adjust to change at our own pace. Nobody else can put a timetable on it for you. If you’re being faced with a change in your life that’s not of your own choosing, you might want to consider adapting to that change because it might inevitably lead to something better. This is true whether you’re getting a new supervisor at work, or your marriage is ending, or your best friend is moving to Singapore.
If you choose to adapt to change with the attitude that it will eventually lead to something better, guess what? It will. You might get a surprise promotion from the new supervisor; you might get married again to someone who’s better for you; you might plan a vacation in Singapore and go on to Thailand.
The challenge is to shed old habits, whether it’s your relationship which has become perfunctory, or stopping by your supervisor’s desk on Monday mornings to talk about your weekend. Be patient while you’re letting go and remember that your attitude is the one thing that’s within your control to change.
Maybe save this article and reread it when your dining room table has been moved to the garage.
