You want out. The relationship is over. You’re beyond ready to move out and move forward, but she’s threatening to hurt herself. Or worse.
IMPORTANT: Threats of suicide can be very real. Make sure you get in touch with a suicide prevention and/or support group immediately.
Now back to you. I’m going to guess you’re feeling guilt, anxiety, sorrow, anger, and possibly some fear. All of these emotions are honest. And they’re probably what’s holding you back from getting out. You might be feeling as though you’re a prisoner in your own home. Held captive by a person you no longer love. You’re being emotionally blackmailed, and you alone are responsible.
What? Did I just tell you that you’re in charge of your own fate?
As with all conflict, resolution begins with conversation.
So talk to her. Be kind, but firm. And most of all, don’t argue. Begin by telling her that you care about her, and that you don’t want her to hurt herself. She’s a wonderful woman; she’s just not the right woman for you. But that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be the right woman for somebody else.
If you sense the conversation is moving towards an argument, don’t take the bait. Remember to make this about you. Start your sentences with “I feel . . .” and not “You make me feel . . .” Take ownership of your decision. After all, it belongs to you, doesn’t it?
Also, take ownership of the conversation. Remember to circle back to your reasons. Maybe it’s that you’re not willing to give up your goals and dreams. Maybe it’s that you need more peace and less volatility. Maybe it’s that you’re feeling a loss of control over your own life. Then reassure her. She’s got a lot of things going for her: she’s smart, loving, kind, and funny. Remind her that many other people care about her. Remind her that she is responsible for her own choices.
It’s of the utmost importance that you remain kind, and that you remain calm. Adjusting your tone and your volume can be of major importance in any emotionally charged situation. Take a breath and dial it down.
As you’re ending this conversation, be prepared for a repeat performance. Obviously, you’ve had awhile to get used to the idea of life without her. Most likely, she hasn’t had the same benefit. So offer her some thinking time. Suggest that you take a break for a day or two, or a week or two, to give her a chance to adjust.
And while she’s adjusting, please read this again.
Yep, emotional blackmail. That was my 1st marriage.
I would like to add a thought here. As you stated, sometimes the threat is definitely an emotional blackmail. I was in a relationship where my ex-husband would threaten to “kill himself”. He used this to control our relationship and strike fear in me of the harm he would do to himself.
He would also use other forms of manipulation to control the relationship. I advise your readers to be wary of this type of personality especially if there are other more severe controlling issues going on.