I’ve been doing some research to figure out how I can spot a red flag while it’s in front of me, instead of in the rear view mirror. And I’ve discovered five signs.
The first sign is when I begin to feel guilty putting my needs ahead of the other person. I used to have a friend who seemed to be the unluckiest guy in the world. When he had no money for food, I felt obligated to fill his freezer. It took me awhile to recognize that the intention behind his sob stories was to monopolize me as though I was his only friend.
The second sign is when I start writing down the stuff he’s said to me in order to prove I’m not crazy. I know that I’m a writer, so making the list was my instinctive response to his textbook gaslighting. Although it took me a minute to recognize it, I was able to escape the relationship before I got in too deep.
The third sign is when I communicate that I’m hurt, and he tells me that his mean comments were jokes, and that I have no sense of humor. This was a no-win situation for me, and although I gave it a valiant effort, I came to realize that people define humor in different ways. (Look at the styles of Don Rickles versus Nate Bargatze.)
The fourth sign is when they do anything to avoid expressing empathy or compassion. Some people think that being cool and being cold are the same thing. I recognized this when my “friend” couldn’t even give me a hug after I experienced a death in my family.
The fifth sign is when I would feel lonely even though I was sitting in the same room with him. Whether he was occupying the island of his recliner chair, or we were sharing the couch, I would look at him and wonder “who is this stranger in my living room?” I seem to be a magnet for this type of guy, and even when I express the need, it isn’t received with any sort of response, let alone understanding.
Okay, I’ve bared my soul. It’s your turn. Are you ready to take a hard look at your own relationship? Can you admit to one or more red flags that you’ve missed?
If so, now what?
Well, there are lots of choices, and I know this because I’ve tried them all. You can bury your own needs and continue to live with the red flag(s). Or you can “schedule” some difficult conversations. You can get some counseling. Or you might just decide you’re ready to leave the relationship.
Obviously, my need to research the subject prior to writing this blog speaks volumes. I’ve beaten myself up and I’ve also validated my choices. But at the end of the day, I’ve realized that I need to trust my gut. Please do the same.
