If you’ve started making a list of yours, let me tell you that the “H” words I’m writing about aren’t “Hello,” “Hamburgers” or “Hawaii.” Nor are they “Help, “Hide,” or “Happiness.”
The reason I’m sharing this information today is more personal than professional, and here’s why: after a particularly challenging divorce mediation, I called a friend who happens to be a real estate attorney. I told him that I needed to vent and proceeded to describe my frustration. He listened politely for a few minutes, and when I paused to take a breath (or maybe a gulp of wine), he told me in no uncertain terms what I should have done and what I needed to do. He’s a man, and I understand that men cannot help themselves. They are, by nature, fixers and I know my friend definitely had the best of intentions. He thought he was being helpful; however, that wasn’t what I needed.
Had I communicated better with my attorney friend at the onset of our conversation, I think I would have ended the call with a lot less frustration, a lot less wine, and a lot more support. The fact that I told him I needed to vent was clearly insufficient.
Instead, I should have started the conversation by stating my expectation: whether I needed to be heard, helped, or hugged. Hence. some of my favorite “H” words.
When we’re looking for support from our inner circle, I think it’s important to spell out our needs up front. While I’m still learning how to do this, I know some enlightened people for whom this is apparently a no-brainer. For example, my colleague, Mary, recently shared that she had been begging her primary care doctor to order a certain test for her husband. Although she explained numerous times why she felt the test was necessary, the doctor kept putting her off. Finally, she told the doctor that she needed to be heard, and then test was ordered.
And when my friend Amanda’s job interview lasted longer than scheduled, resulting in her 7-year-old being stuck at school without a ride home, Amanda knew she needed to be helped. She called her neighbor, made a simple request, and the problem was solved without requiring a lengthy explanation.
When my cousin Michael, who was 30 minutes late for our dinner date, finally showed up at the restaurant, he was thoroughly apologetic. He explained that he had a flat tire, and then literally minutes after he’d put on the spare and hit the road again, he was pulled over for speeding, all while processing that his wife told him that very morning she wanted a divorce. Understandably, Steven said, “Nancy, I need to be hugged.”
Giving support to someone close is always a good idea. The trick is to know what kind of support is actually needed. In a perfect world, we should all communicate whether we need to be heard, helped, or hugged.
Do you?
