I will never forget my mother’s reaction when I told her that I was getting divorced. (Out of respect, I’m not going to quote her . . . but if you want to know, comment on this blog and I’ll tell you.) Obviously, it’s never easy telling your family because (a) you are admitting defeat; (b) you’re going to hear “I knew it;” or (c) you’re afraid you won’t get the support you need.
When my divorce mediation clients ask me how to tell their extended family members, I answer with a question: “What are you hoping to get out of the conversation?” Extended family can be loving, supportive, and well‑intentioned. They can also unintentionally make a difficult transition even harder.
Let’s talk about some of the most common pitfalls to consider:
First, know that your news doesn’t land in a vacuum. It lands in the middle of everyone else’s history. A cousin in a shaky marriage might panic. An aunt who “stayed for the sake of the kids” may judge your decision. Someone who never liked your spouse may treat your divorce like a celebration. Remember that none of these reactions are actually about you, yet you may still end up managing their emotions instead of your own.
Second, divorce can activate old loyalties. One side of the family rallies around you. Another defends your spouse. Someone else tries to “fix” things and/or push for reconciliation. Suddenly your private transition becomes a family referendum.
The third pitfall has to do with assumptions. If you don’t give details, people fill in the blanks. If you do give details, people repeat them. Either way, your story can get reshaped into something you barely recognize.
The fourth pitfall is that your extended family may decide to insert themselves into your process and give unsolicited advice. You might hear that you need to hire a fierce attorney, or that you shouldn’t move out of the house. Loyal grandparents might tell you to fight for full custody, or to try to work it out for the benefit of the kids. Remember that the advice most likely reflects their own fears, and not your reality.
And speaking of loyal grandparents, the fifth pitfall is that they might unintentionally complicate co-parenting. This can occur by undermining your boundaries, offering their opinions, and even trying to “rescue” your kids. This adds another layer of stress to an already complicated process.
The last pitfall is that your family’s emotional reactions may overshadow their support. If they express shock, disappointment, or blame, it’s not because you’ve done something wrong. It’s because your divorce makes them uncomfortable, and uncomfortable people react from emotion, not empathy.
So, what’s the best strategy for telling your family? Start by telling only the people who truly need to know. Keep your message neutral and brief, making sure they understand that you have no intention to provide the gory details. And most importantly, remind them that it’s your story, not theirs, to share.
One final thought: time helps.
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