Decision making is complicated. Just ask my divorce mediation clients how they’ve struggled with the decision to end the relationship, and how hard they were on themselves during the process.
What would happen if your best friend asked you to weigh in on her marriage? Would you treat her more gently than you’d treat yourself? Why do you suppose we hold ourselves to harsher or stricter standards?
Let’s pretend that your best friend is on the fence about quitting her job. She’s worked hard in her field and has established quite a bit of credibility, yet she doesn’t think there’s further growth at her present company. You could be helpful by asking her these three questions:
Equally important is to consider what you wouldn’t tell your best friend. Obviously, you wouldn’t tell her to stay where she’s at and hope her situation improves, nor would you tell her that it’s perfectly acceptable to allow her resentment to build.
If you’re contemplating a difficult decision, it’s time to end the “best friend” charade because the point I want to make is that your best friend is actually you. In a perfect world, we ought to be treating ourselves with the same kindness and patience as we treat our best friends. It’s not indulgent, it’s actually a roadmap for significant improvement.
This is especially true in divorce mediation.
In an effort to treat yourself kindly on your divorce journey, remember that you are your own best friend. If you have ever set a boundary with a friend, consider what those boundaries would look like with your co-parent. If you have ever wished for a fresh start, put away your rear-view mirror and look forward to your next chapter as an unmarried person. If you have ever forgiven a friend, consider the weight that was lifted off of you and apply that concept to forgiving your ex.
I am reminded of a divorce mediation I conducted several years ago that nearly wound up in court because the husband was unwilling to divide his military pension, despite his legal obligation to do so. I asked the wife if she would wait in the lobby for a few minutes while I spoke privately to the husband, and then I asked the husband to explain the significance of his pension. He told me how hard he’d worked over his 20+ years in the air force and didn’t think it was fair to have to share it with his wife (who’d cheated on him). I asked him, “if this was happening to your best friend, what would you suggest?” He paused for a moment to think, and then said he’d tell his friend it was only money, and to get off of his self-righteous position.
A moment of silence.
I then brought the wife back into my office and, no kidding, literally five minutes later they’d reached a compromise.
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