I’ve been wanting to dig deeper on this particular expression for awhile; long before I first heard Taylor Swift’s song, “You Need to Calm Down.” Can you guess what it is?
If you said anything resembling “you need to,” give yourself an A+. Unless you’re Judge Judy, I strongly urge you to delete that phrase from your conversations immediately. I know it won’t be easy. Most of us have an inherent desire to fix people and/or situations. However, when we tell people what they need to do, I think it’s important to consider how our message is received.
Telling your colleague that “he needs to” finish his portion of the project is certainly a succinct way of demanding that he get the work done. It also implies an insufficiency on his part because he has yet to finish his portion. Further, it shifts the balance of power from equal to one-sided, because you’re telling him what “he needs to” do.
Telling your spouse that “she needs to” be more affectionate is likewise a message that may not be received in the spirit it was given. She may hear it as a demand for sex. She may hear that she’s inadequate. Or, she may simply view those words as coming from someone in authority to someone subservient.
Even telling your teenager that “he needs to” improve his grades could be interpreted as a demand by you “or else.” He might hear that your disappointment in his Algebra grade is in direct proportion to how you feel about him in general. Or, he might simply rebel against you because he’s practically an adult anyway.
Remember that the person on the receiving end of a “you need to” will likely view the phrase as (a) a demand; (b) an implication of inadequacy; and (c) an imbalance of power in the relationship.
Wouldn’t it be easier to say it another way?
Before you jump in to simply change “you” to “I,” as in “I need you to . . .,” think again. That switch doesn’t necessarily change the way the comment is received. Instead, try saying to your colleague, “I’m feeling anxious about the looming deadline. When do you think your portion of the project will be done?” Or to your spouse, “I’ve been feeling a little insecure lately, so would you be willing to hold my hand during the movie?” Or to your teenager, “I’m feeling some concern about the prospect of you getting into a good college. Do you think an Algebra tutor for a few weeks might be helpful?”
Just to be crystal clear, expressing your own feelings first will help your subsequent request seem more honest and reasonable. And, it will lead to a better understanding. If you are someone who doesn’t find it easy to express your feelings, at the very least, I hope you’ll try to put the “you need to” phrase in permanent time-out and work on some other ways to get your point across.
This weeks Mediation from you is incredibly insightful and beautifully expressed. There is little place for the power trip this “you need to..” phrase expresses in loving relationships.
Special thanks for your insightful comment
I have to disagree with this . I don’t believe it is the words that hurt people I think it is the way you say what you say. The tone and the emphasis on one word can sound mean and hurtful or make you feel good using the exact same words. An example”did ‘YOU’ do that” or “did you do ‘THAT’ “. Same words different meaning by changing the emphasis from the you to the that.